Merry Little Christmas
by ZombieJazz
Summary: Set in the Olivia/Will/Noah AU, this short story looks at how Olivia's family is doing in the aftermath of the events in Her Negotiation story of this series. Olivia and her family prepare for their first Christmas following their encounter with William Lewis. Story 11 of series.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Merry Little Christmas**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: Set in the Olivia/Will/Noah AU, this short story looks at how Olivia's family is doing in the aftermath of the events in Her Negotiation story of this series. Olivia and her family prepare for their first Christmas following their encounter with William Lewis.**

"Tape," Olivia said and held out her finger again.

They were sitting on the floor of Will's childhood bedroom. She always felt a little silly when they were holed up in Will's old bedroom. Somehow it felt a little sillier – yet somehow appropriate – that they were now in the room that her husband would've laid awake on Christmas Eve waiting for the dim lights of morning while they were surrounded by their son's Christmas presents and an even bigger mess of shopping bags, receipts, wrapping paper, tissue paper, bows, ribbons and tape. And, really, as much as her head knew that this was the room that Will slept in as a child – and a teenager, and while home on visits from college and occasionally again while a gainfully employed adult – there was something comforting about the room too.

It didn't much look like the room of a little boy – or even a teenager. Not anymore. There'd been a point in her relationship with Will that the space had seemed rather caught in time – like it had aged with him until his 18th birthday and then had never evolved any further. But whatever memories of childhood that might've been in the room before, his parents had finally started modernizing it when her and Noah had entered their son's life. It started to look more like a guest room – for grown-ups – than a bedroom of a teenaged boy. The remnants of Will at that phase of his life had officially disappeared from the room when their family had all but moved in following their ordeal in the spring. Ted and May had done their best to make the space theirs and Will and Olivia had done their best to try to feel comfortable there. Feeling comfortable anywhere was a bit of a feat at that point. Really, it still was.

But there was something comfortable about the room. In a way. Especially while sharing the space with Will. Even though he was giving her a slightly annoyed look. Yet, he again ripped a piece of tape off the dispenser and deposited it on her finger. She wasn't even looking at him as he did. She was so focused on the present she was wrapping and where she was holding the two places together while she waited for him to do his part of the job in the late-night wrapping process.

"You think that maybe next year we can manage to not be wrapping Noah's presents on Christmas Eve?" Will asked. "For once."

She glanced up at him after she got the tape in place. "I like wrapping them Christmas Eve," she told him. "It's tradition."

It was a tradition. Not necessarily one that had developed purposely but she definitely seemed to have become an expert at leaving her Christmas wrapping to the last minute. She used to leave her Christmas shopping to the last minute too. Though, Will arriving in her life and then wanting to participate in the shopping for Noah had put a bit of a nix on that. He hated doing things last minute and he hated dealing with the last minute crowds more.

He didn't have to argue with her to get her to go out weeks ahead of schedule that year. She had no interest in being caught in a crowd either. She'd actually contemplated doing all of her Christmas shopping online that year. So Will had gotten to talk her out of that instead – and somehow talk her into doing her Christmas shopping with his mother and sister-in-law in tow. Olivia wasn't sure that had made for a less stressful shopping experience. But Noah had certainly reaped the benefits of having more than her credit card at disposal for the gift purchasing. He was getting a little spoiled that year.

"It's 2 a.m.," Will rolled his eyes in lukewarm protest.

She shrugged at that comment. "Your parents wanted us to go to Midnight Mass with them," Olivia offered as an excuse.

"YOU wanted to go to Midnight Mass with them," he put back to her.

She glanced at him again and delivered another shrug. "It was a nice service," she said flatly.

It was true. His parents had invited them to attend the Christmas Eve service with them. They always did. Every year. But they'd usually dodged that obligation. They'd be long gone from the family's Open House before they even began to prepare to make their way to church.

This year, though, there was no Open House. No large gathering that Will's parents knew that all three of them would struggle in. No alcohol or groups of men smoking on the front or back porches. No loud music or chaos or clogged spaces in the family's modest-sized house that they always seemed to pack at least half of the FDNY into on most occasions. Or at least they tried.

With the cancellation of the Open House – a McTeague tradition that Olivia sensed had existed from the time Will was a small boy even though no one had placed a specific anniversary number on the event for her - they'd known that there was an open invitation to them be at his parents' instead. They'd struggled with that. If that's what they wanted to do? If they wanted to spend their entire Christmas with Ted and May and his brothers and their families? Or if they needed their personal space?

Other years they'd maintained that they needed their personal space. That they wanted time to have their own Christmas – the space to have their own traditions – with Noah. It'd been a hard pill for Ted and May to swallow – and Olivia had known that it was likely made harder by Will's rather transparent glee that he finally had good reason to bail out on his family's affairs and to start having Christmases of his own definition with her and Noah. They still submitted themselves to a McTeague Christmas. Just to a lesser extent. They made their afternoon appearances at the Open House and they returned again the following day for some extended family time, presents and May's massive Christmas dinner. But beyond that they kept things quiet and just had alone time – the three of them.

It was different that year, though. As much as they wanted alone time none of them ever seemed to want to be alone anymore – at least not for long and not without knowing that another person was available in just the next room. Beyond that, the new apartment just didn't exactly feel like home yet. It felt like a cautiously safe place. Sort of. And even with the Christmas decorations up – with the new furniture and beautiful view and modernized design – it still just felt like a place they were just visiting. A place that they'd situated themselves while they tried to figure out how to exist again – or where they could exist and exist normally. Olivia hoped that it would eventually feel more like home – at least for the sake of her son, but that just wasn't the case yet. No matter how hard they tried to make it feel that way.

It had reached the point that it made the most sense for them to spend the holidays at Ted and May's. It made sense for them to not be alone in an apartment that still made them a little sad. It made sense for them to be with the people who had provided them with at least the support and foundation that let them slowly ease back into almost being functioning human beings again (some days). It seemed like the best option to facilitate them at least attempting to have something that resembled a Merry Christmas. So it had also made sense to accept the invitation to attend Mass with Will's family.

Or at least that's the way Olivia had seen it. She knew it was something important to Will's parents. Their faith was still a staple in their lives and likely would be until their dying breathes. Will had definitely done his best to remove himself from his faith. At least he thought he had. Olivia thought in some ways her husband was grossly unaware of just how Catholic he could be. But he'd had an entire childhood being indoctrinated. It had become a part of him – and his thinking, his morals, his values, his behaviors – whether he liked it or not. She thought Will had also used her non-adherence to any organized religion as another way to distance himself from that part of his family's life – an excuse. Still, she didn't think it would hurt them to attend a single service. It would likely have hurt Ted and May if they'd declined to tag along, no matter how understanding they might've been of their decision.

The truth, though, was that Olivia had sort of wanted to attend the service. She thought she could do with some of the quiet reflection time. A period to think about some of the positives and to be thankful for them rather than dwelling on the negatives of the year that had been. She thought all three of them could use some of that mediation.

She'd liked it. The service. Her comment that it had been a nice service was truthful. It had been. She hadn't been to that kind of high and solemn ceremony many times in her life and the stillness of it had resonated with her – the quiet celebration that had echoed in her being. But what she'd liked the most was having each of her boys on either side of her. Will gripping her hand in his lap and Noah sloped a little sleepily against her, her arm around his shoulder holding him tight. The entire McTeague family in a row. Ted and May on Noah's opposite side and the rest of his family taking up the entire long pew. Generations in a row.

It was strange for Olivia. To be a part of a family. But sitting in the church and looking down the pew, it'd become that much more visible what a part of a family she'd become. It'd been yet another reality she'd had to come to terms with in the wake of her assault. As much as she'd been welcomed into the McTeague family many times over – as much as they'd been there for her and her son before – it had been during the summer months that the commitment of their presence had really set in. She wasn't sure how her and Noah would've survived the ordeal without having them to lean on. Their support – which had often been surprisingly quiet for the McTeague clan – had prepared all of them to tentatively return to the harshness of the real world, outside of the warm confines of the families' homes. But sitting in the pew and seeing all of them – her in-laws, her nieces and nephews, her son and husband – she'd realized even though they'd vacated the houses, they hadn't left their confines, or their embrace. It was harder to separate herself – or Will, or Noah – from them now. They were part of a larger unit.

Will sighed at her. "Will you at least let me help so we can think about going to bed soon? He's going to be up in a matter of hours."

She glanced at him again from folding the end of the one parcels. "No. You're too picky. You take forever."

"I do not take forever," Will said.

"You do take forever," Olivia insisted. "Everything has to be symmetrical. It's ridiculous."

"Well that's the proper way to wrap a present," Will informed her.

She snorted at him. "Like it matters when he rips the paper off in two seconds flat."

Will let out a bigger laugh at that. "He does not. You don't let him."

She shot him a look. "You can thank your brother for that. Watching Tom's kids open their presents in a whirlwind of paper. They don't even know who they got what from or who each present belongs to by the time they're done. It's disgusting."

Will rolled his eyes. "I'll be sure to pass that along to Tom," he said.

She shrugged. "I've told him myself before. I don't like it. Our son has manners. We're here but he's going to know who gave him what and he will thank them and take the time to appreciate his presents."

Olivia had been mildly horrified the first Christmas she'd spent with Will's family when it had come time for the grandchildren to open gifts at Ted and May's. Noah had still been barely more than a toddler and they'd sat him down on the floor with the rest of the kids.

Olivia wasn't sure what she was expecting. Her mother hadn't really excelled at Christmas. Even on the years where she'd been sober enough in the lead up – or Christmas morning – and there were some presents under the tree, with her being an only child without even an extended family, the holidays had been a quiet affairs. She'd kept them rather quiet with Noah too up until that point. It had just been her and him. She didn't have cousins or grandparents or aunts and uncles to fawn over him and spoil him at Christmas. The most there might be was a small gift from the Stablers and Munch would usually begrudgingly submit himself to buying Noah a 'holiday' present. But that was it. It wasn't a mountain under the tree and there was never a flurry of wrapping paper. If anything, Noah was still small enough that he had to be encouraged to unwrap each gift and he was more than happy to sit and examine the new toys for quite some time before being interested in opening the next. A lot of times he was far more interested in the tissue paper, boxes or packaging than he was the actual gift. Olivia, though, was fine with that slow pace. It gave her time to enjoy it and to enjoy her son too. So the introduction to the McTeague present unwrapping had been a bit of a shock to the system.

She thought she likely expected gifts to be handed to the children one-by-one. "This is from your Uncle Rob and Aunt Karen", "This is from Nana May and Popa Ted", "This is from your cousins" was likely more what she was expecting – followed by the family watching the child open the present and everyone having a chance to see what it was and the child thanking the giver before the next item was opened. That, though, certainly wasn't what presents with the rest of the grandchildren had looked like at all.

Tom's children had near dived under the tree and dug out the boxes labeled for them, ripping the wrapping paper off and moving onto the next item before they likely even registered what it was. Rob's children had been a little better – but they were older. Either way, Noah had ended up sitting amidst a pile of torn wrapping paper and bows, still working on his first present by the time the rest of the kids were done. One of Tom's children had actually asked why Noah had more presents than the rest of them when her son was still working at unwrapping his. It wasn't a case of more present. It was just a case of her son not acting like a Tasmanian Devil and her moving to sit with him to make sure she could see what he was getting and encourage him to thank each person who'd given him a gift. She'd come away from it knowing exactly who had given her son what and she'd said her thanks too. Though, she'd eventually heard thank you from the rest of the grandchildren's parents, there'd never been a peep from the kids. She'd hated it.

She'd resolved that Christmas that her son wasn't going to tear through his gifts like a crazy person. She didn't care how old he got or how excited he was. It had just struck her as so rude. Him doing that with gifts from her and Will was one thing but doing it from others? She wasn't going to allow it. So since she'd worked at encouraging Noah not to just rip off the paper and to tear apart of the packaging. Her son was handed presents. He was told who they were from. He was encouraged to look at the tag and he took the paper off slowly and carefully. Or at least as slowly and carefully as could be expected of a little boy. She knew Will thought she was being a bit of a hard-ass about it. But he felt that way about a lot of her parenting. She felt that way about a lot of his too. She figured it eventually evened out.

Will gave her a look. "Share what you want with Tom but don't say that to Becky," he said seriously.

"I won't," Olivia assured him.

One of Olivia's fears about spending the whole holidays with Will's family was their interactions with Tom's side of the family. Their relationship had improved in the wake of the family's ordeal but it would never be like what her and Will had established with Rob and Karen. Tom just rubbed her the wrong way. She knew part of that was just Tom and her own personality. She knew another part of it was the reality that he'd rubbed her husband the wrong way for so much of his life. She didn't much like that. And even though they'd had their mea culpas and Tom had put in effort to demonstrate his care for the three of them, there was still a strain.

That strain was often made worse by how Kyle seemed to just antagonize Noah. As much as Tom had tried in the months that their family had been living with the rest of the McTeagues on Staten Island, his son certainly hadn't been instructed to put in the same effort. Or he just didn't have him in it. Though, Olivia doubted that it had much to do Kyle's age as it did his personality – and genetics. Kyle was definitely his father's son. It was another reminder for her where she stopped in wonderment of how exactly Will had evolved out of the same upbringing as his brothers and shared the same genetics as other members of his family. As much as he was a McTeague – and as much as she'd grown to love members of the McTeague family for who they were – there were other ways he just so wasn't. Kyle, though, was a McTeague through and through.

That likely wouldn't have bothered her much if Noah hadn't so wanted to be his best friend. But more times than not, Kyle wanted next to nothing to do with him. Yet, at family functions he was often forced to play with him due to age and gender. Sometimes Olivia wished that the family didn't feel so compelled to make them play together. Kyle always seemed to say something that upset Noah. He seemed to be particularly good at it at Christmas, based on years past.

Tom and Becky always seemed to get their kids somewhat extravagant gifts at Christmas. Not so much extravagant as gifts that were clearly beyond their means on a paramedics salary with a stay-at-mom and three children. Some years Ted and May seemed to buy into it too – offering to pay for some specific item for all the grandchildren. The one year it had been new portable game systems that they'd wanted to buy each of the kids. Olivia had said no. She didn't care what the other kids got, she just didn't want Noah having the latest-and-greatest in portable entertainment. She found regulating his DS consumption to be more than enough. But her nixing that for Noah had apparently meant the other children had been asked to not bring the systems over to the grandparents' on Christmas Day. That likely would've been fine if Kyle hadn't decided to indicate to Noah that he was ruining all their fun. Tom had further taken it upon himself to indicate to them that they were ruining all the kids' fun.

Apparently her and Will should've been spending money on bigger ticket items for Noah at Christmas and trucking them over to Staten Island for their son to show off. Tom didn't seem to believe that they weren't spending a fortune on him at Christmas and that they just weren't bringing it over to his Mom and Dad's place. They'd been informed that if he and Becky could afford it, they certainly could on 'their salaries'. The comment had pissed Olivia off to no end at the time. It'd been one of those moments that she'd spat a commentary back at Tom until Will had calmly reminded her of Becky.

Really their sympathy for Becky and for her having to put up with Tom was what restrained her from ripping Will's brother a new one most of the time. She felt sorry for Becky and she certainly didn't want to make things worse for the other woman. Sometimes she wasn't sure why her sister-in-law stayed with Tom. Though, she reminded herself that she may see a very different man at home and in private than what Olivia ever interacted with. She reminded herself too that as timid and quiet as Becky was she was part of the problem too – she let Tom and those kid run amok in the house and then her husband and son making those kinds of comments to her or Will or Noah was just bound to happen. Meanwhile, if not even half of the comments that came out of Tom or Kyle's mouths ever exited Will's or Noah's, Olivia would be giving them a stern lecture and packing them up head for home after they'd delivered apologies. That wasn't how Tom's family worked, though. So she'd just have to bite her tongue and try to protect her son from any wayward commentary as much as possible.

Though, Tom might get his wish in seeing them having spent more money than they should've on Noah that year. It hadn't felt like that much as the time but with her wrapping efforts, it was definitely feeling like she'd gone a little overboard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: Merry Little Christmas**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: Set in the Olivia/Will/Noah AU, this short story looks at how Olivia's family is doing in the aftermath of the events in Her Negotiation story of this series. Olivia and her family prepare for their first Christmas following their encounter with William Lewis.**

"You're taking forever doing it on your own," Will lamented again.

"I'm not doing it on my own. You have your job," she contended.

"I'm a glorified tape dispenser."

"And a good one," she told him with a small smile and held out her finger again.

Will sighed louder and put another piece on her hand. She placed the last piece and then nearly spun the present at him and showed it off to him.

"You can put the bow on it," she told him and handed it out to him.

Will raised his eyebrow at that. "Or I could put some ribbon around it?" he suggested.

Olivia shook her head. "No," she said. "You'll get all fiddly with it and I'll lose my helper. Just pick one of the bows." She tossed a bag containing bows with adhesive backs at him.

Will dug around in it but sighed. "These are so ugly," he mumbled.

She looked up from writing 'Love, Mom and …' on a tag and handed it across to him as well. "They're fine," she said again. "Sign this."

He took it and scribbled in "Dad" quickly and then smacked the bow into place.

"What's next?" Olivia asked, looking again at the small pile of gifts waiting to be wrapped.

Will shrugged but reached out and took one of the items off the pile and started to look at it.

"You know, maybe he won't be up for the day but you're going to be lucky if he doesn't come in here wanting to sleep with us any second," Will said.

Olivia looked up from where she'd started refolding the new outfit she'd bought for him for Christmas. Probably the least interesting gift in any child's mind but she hoped that the Batman logo would win him over even if it was just clothes.

"He won't," she assured. "He's got me figured out. He knows that I wrap presents tonight."

She hoped she was right. She hoped if she wasn't right that she was at least right that he knew they'd be up and wrapping presents and that he'd knock on the door before barging in if he was up in the night.

Noah was up in the night a lot. They all were. She wasn't sure any of them really slept through the night anymore. Not without a sedative and sedatives came with their own demons.

Noah had been sleeping in their room a lot since the spring. She'd initially allowed it – going so far as to allow their now nine-year-old to crawl into bed with them. But as some time passed she thought that maybe she should be curbing it – or at least discouraging it. She thought that nine was a little old to still be sleeping with Mommy and Daddy. Not to mention it wasn't doing much for her and Will attempting to find some sort of semblance of a normal relationship again. Nor did she really want Noah to be there when she woke from a nightmare either screaming or shaking, but almost always pushing Will away, even hitting him, before calming enough to accept any of his touches or comforts.

It had been one of those nights, though, that she'd realized she couldn't tell her child he shouldn't be sleeping in their room. As much as she had times she wanted to be alone she never really wanted to be alone. Not anymore. She couldn't imagine closing her eyes and sleeping without knowing that Will was there in bed beside here. That he was within reach. That he'd draw her back if something startled her from her sleep – and it often did. Even on the nights that she didn't want his touch – that she didn't even really want to be sharing a bed with him – she still wanted to know he was there. And she was a grown woman. If she couldn't handle sleeping alone in a dark room yet how could she expect her small son to be ready to?

So they'd invested in a rollout cot that was open and ready in their room – both at the apartment and at Ted and May's – more than it wasn't. Sometimes Noah would agree to go to bed in his own room. Sometimes he wanted his own space too. He also wanted to be alone. But more often than not he'd end up in their room before the night was over. She'd still prefer that over his regression to bedwetting and the panicked night terrors her child woke from. Really, she didn't want to be too far from him either. She wanted to know he was OK and within reach. She struggled with letting him out of her sight anymore as much as she had to let him out of her sight and let him try to return to so-called normalcy too.

There were times she thought cancer would be easier. She didn't think she could ever wish cancer upon her son again. But there were still times that she thought that their cancer journey – that was still going on in its own quiet way – had been easier than this. At least she had known how to operate than. Or it sure felt like she had now. She didn't know how to navigate this. She usually felt like she was floundering and she felt like her son knew it too. Half the time she felt like he was giving her the benefit of the doubt in a way that spanned far beyond his nine years. He was humoring her. She suspected he was likely humoring her that night too as he agreed to lie down and sleep in the next room. But Will was likely right. It was only a matter of time before he came peaking in and wanting to sleep next to them.

"I'm sure he also knows where you keep all the presents hidden," Will said and gave her eyes that suggested she wasn't very good at hiding gifts and it was a given that Noah likely had already tracked down his Christmas presents and taken more than a peak.

"Maybe in the old place," she said. She always avoided referring to the brownstone as anything more than the 'old place' anymore. As much as it had felt like home and she had thought they'd raise Noah there they'd all known it was somewhere they could never go back too. Yet in leaving it, it hadn't really felt like they'd found their place yet. They hadn't found a home – beyond each other. And as much as that was enough, it also wasn't. "Not in the new apartment. I left some of them here anyway."

"Mmm," Will made a listening sound but she didn't get the sense that meant he agreed.

"You went rooting in my side of the closet didn't you?" she said.

"How is OUR closet a hiding place?" Will said.

She groaned at him. "I hope you didn't go snooping and ruin your Christmas present."

"I didn't say I went snooping," Will said and went back to acting very interested in the book he was looking at for their son.

"Right," Olivia said and gave him eyes. "You're nosey."

Will shrugged. "Maybe I had to get something out of the closet … like clothes."

Olivia looked at him. "Out of my side of the closet? I didn't realize you had such a thing for women's clothing."

"Maybe if someone would stop stealing all my hoodies," he said.

But she really shrugged at that. "I like the way they smell," she said quietly and Will fell quiet.

It was something they both knew. She knew it would shut him up but she felt a twinge of guilt about how quickly he'd fallen quiet at the statement. But she'd found great comfort in stealing his hoodies to wear. Even after going through the wash most of them were well worn enough that they still carried his scent. There was something about having the soft fabric envelop her that made her feel a tad safer – a tad more grounded – even when he couldn't be with her. It had meant that she'd been wearing the items of clothing more than him lately. He'd go rooting for them but she'd claim them back after he'd worn them before they ended up in the wash.

"You going to kick me out so you can wrap my present too?" he finally asked after a silence.

"I think you're just getting coal at this point," she told and gave him a look.

"Mean, Liv, mean," he said but gave her a small smile sensing the tease.

She returned it but shifted her focus to placing the clothes in a box and then picking another roll of wrapping paper.

"What'd you decide on for the Santa gift?" Will asked.

"Mmm," she said and looked back at the pile again. "I don't know. What do you think? R/C bat mobile or the Lego?"

Will laughed. "Do you know how disorganized we are?" She gave him a look. "We're deciding what Santa is bringing him at 2 a.m. on CHRISTMAS DAY."

Olivia shrugged. "Whatever. At least Santa is bringing him something. Pick which one you want to leave out for him. Maybe I'll let you do your wrapping perfection on Santa's gift."

"You know he knows we're Santa, right?" Will asked and raised that eyebrow at her again. Sometimes she thought he'd picked that up from her. She didn't remember him doing that in the early part of their relationship. Maybe she was rubbing off on him too much.

"I'd hope so," she said. "We told him as much."

It'd been a weird conversation. But they'd been having a lot of weird and uncomfortable conversations for the past seven months. Part of her knew that at nine, Noah didn't much believe in Santa anymore. He'd started actively questioning the man in red when he was six. By seven he was beyond skeptical and the previous year he'd outright told them that he didn't think Santa existed and it was them. He'd very nearly told them they were liars. But Olivia hadn't be ready to end that bit of his childhood yet. They'd lost so much of his childhood to cancer and hospital stays, she was hoping to get to cling on his childhood wonderment for at least one day a year for just a couple more years. So she'd just recited to him, "If you don't believe, you don't receive."

William Lewis had changed that dynamic, though. As much as she knew that Noah knew Santa was really just them, she didn't want him thinking for even a moment that a strange man would be coming into their apartment in the middle of the night. Noah was still so jumpy and terrified, she didn't want him to worry about that even if he could logical astern it was an illogical worry. When she heard people in the hallway of their floor and the rattles of doorknobs, it still made her jump and still listening to make sure it wasn't someone at their door. The concept of a stranger being in their apartment nearly triggered her. She didn't need her son stewing about it too. He didn't need any new triggers. If his PTSD from leukemia hadn't been enough, now he had an added layer of trauma to haunt him for life. Santa delivering toys didn't need to be part of it.

So her and Will had sat him down and confirmed his suspicions. They were, in fact, the ones who delivered his toys. Though, they'd still spun it about Santa being real and what he represented and his importance. They'd assured him that there'd still be a toy from Santa for him on Christmas morning and that he'd still get a stocking. But a Jolly Elf wouldn't be entering their apartment – or Nana and Popa's house – to deliver it for him. It would just be Mommy and Daddy putting it out.

Noah had taken the conversation surprisingly well but there was something about it that had just felt to Olivia like they'd put another nail in the coffin of his childhood. Sometimes she just really didn't feel like she'd managed to give him much of a childhood at all. Whatever was left of it had really been robbed that summer. As much as he was still a little boy, he was so much an old man – and it made her said. She felt like she'd failed him in so many ways. But she tried not to dwell on it. She couldn't change the past. She just had to do the best she could in the present and hope that would lead to the best possible future for him. Sometimes she wondered, though. Especially anymore.

"So then maybe it really doesn't matter what present Santa brings?" Will suggested. "Maybe we don't even need to wrap it from Santa. It can just be from us."

She looked at him. She knew he hadn't really meant anything by it – other than stating the obvious, yet some how it stung.

"We told him that he'd have a present from Santa," she said quietly and looked back to what she was doing. "And a stocking."

She felt Will nod and he offered no further commentary. Instead he went back to looking at the claymation kit he'd picked up long ago now to page through. It came with the clay and a book, as well as an instructional video and a computer program to help Noah facilitate making his own animated movies. He spent so much time modeling with his clay and creating little stop-motion sequences with his Legos, she thought that it might be a logical step for him. Though, it also served as another sign of how much her son had retreated into his own little world since the spring.

If he'd been a bit of a loner before, he'd definitely evolved into an all-out introvert, if not a hermit since. They'd been trying to work on it in family counseling and she'd flagged it as a concern for his individual therapy. But she didn't know if her little boy would ever truly come out of the hole he'd be tossed in – no matter how much help he had. She'd seen enough victims who never really re-emerged. She knew how badly she was struggling to reintegrate into the world – as much as she tried and as much as she forced herself to try. Asking a nine-year-old to do the same seemed like asking too much. She just had to try to set a good example. Some days, though, that was much, much, much harder than others.

"He's really going to love this," Will offered and held up the kit a bit for her before finally setting it aside.

She allowed him a small smile. "I hope so. You'll likely have to help him."

Will nodded but looked at the book again. "You're better at his Play-Doh stuff."

She gave a more genuine smile at that. Will wasn't really into arts and crafts. He was happy to sit building Lego with Noah for hours but as soon as the craft supplies got pulled out, he disappeared to the background. Sometimes she thought it really just wasn't Will's thing – other times she acknowledged he was likely giving her space to have 'her thing' with Noah. Craft time and coloring time always had been.

"You're better at the computer stuff," she allowed.

Will made a sound and paged into the book again. "It says there's an app. Will have to get it downloaded for him. Hoping it can take the pictures right the iPad or our phone and put together his film right on it."

She gave him another small smile. "You're going to let him touch electronics with sticky clay fingers?"

Will snorted and gave her a bigger smile. "Maybe. On Christmas."

They fell quiet again and he silently just handed her bits of tape while she finished wrapping the box containing the new outfit. She again scribbled her love onto the tag and handed it over to her husband so he could handle attaching it and a bow. He finished and set it aside with the other wrapped presents, examining them for a moment.

"So what happened to the '$250 is way more than enough to spend on one child' rule?" he commented and gave her a smile.

But she didn't look up right away from where she was making her own decision on if the Batmobile or the Lego was going to be wrapped from them.

"William Lewis," she said quietly but then glanced at him and saw his pain and she rubbed at her eyebrow.

It was true, though. William Lewis had happened. She knew that having a few extra gifts compared to usual under the tree wasn't going to fix it – at all – for Noah. But she almost hoped that for a couple hours that morning, he might be able to forget, or at least push it to the back of his mind. She hoped they'd all be able to.

She knew, though, how silly that assertion was. You can't buy happiness. A pile of Christmas presents wouldn't ease the pain. She almost felt foolish about how much she'd spent and how transparent it likely looked to everyone. Noah would likely see through it too. She just hoped she hadn't gone too crazy. She didn't think she had. But she knew she'd spent more than usual and he'd be getting more toys and amusements than the usual practicalities and educational items that found their way under the tree.

She sighed at her comment to Will, though, and gestured at the pile. "Your mother and Karen happened," she said instead. "They were very helpful in what I should get him. Opinionated."

Will allowed a small laugh at that as the tension dissipated a bit. "My mother? Karen? Opinionated?"

"Very," Olivia stressed again and gave him a smile.

"Where's the graphic novel and the DS game I got him?" Will asked and ruffled around some of the bags that still had gifts waiting to be wrapped.

"Hmm," Olivia said and looked in some of the bags herself. "In the stocking stuffer bag," she said and then managed to spot it and toss it in his direction.

Will made a distraught sound as he caught it. "Stocking stuffer bag?" he asked and near frantically pawed in the bag looking at its contents and pulling out the Batman comic and the Lego DS game. Both things that Olivia thought were well within his shopping realm and had been more than left to his purview.

"These are not stocking stuffers," he said and held them up at her like that clearly proved his point. He shook the bag in his hand and looked inside it. "Socks, underwear, card games, candy. Those are stocking stuffers. These are quality gifts."

Olivia shrugged at him. "They'll fit in the stocking nicely. They're still nice gifts whether they're wrapped out not."

Will made another sound. "It will get all bent if you stuff it in his stocking," he said and looked longingly at the comic.

"Sweetheart, it will be bent by the time he's done with it anyways. He'll read it over and over until the pages are battered. He'll likely look at it while eating the candy cane and chocolate bar in the stocking too. You know how he is with his comics."

"It's a graphic novel," Will sighed at her.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Whatever," she mumbled.

"Liv, it's different."

"It's a super hero book with pictures," she said flatly and gave him a look.

"He'll like it," Will protested.

"I know he will," she agreed. "He likes comics and he likes sharing that with you. It doesn't matter if it's wrapped under the tree or in the stocking."

Will sighed and gazed at the book for several moments longer before shoving it back into the bag.

"You can stuff the stocking, if you want," she suggested, seeing his slightly defeated body language.

Her and Will had had some discussions about what they wanted to get Noah that year for Christmas. They always did. But she really had done the bulk of the shopping with May and Karen – on their own and on Staten Island rather than in the city's core. Olivia had actually thought it was easier to just hit up the some of the big box stores and strip malls there rather than battling the crowds in Manhattan – even if she had been in a better state. It had definitely been better than trying to navigate their new neighborhood and borough and trying to figure out which outlets were decent enough and carried what. She definitely hadn't felt up to that.

It had meant, though, that Will had been largely excluded. She had sent him off on some specific missions. Comics, a board game, Lego, DS games. Things that she knew she could likely pick herself but that he'd have a larger opinion about and would likely be able to pick better. She'd stuck with books and clothes and some of the more educational items. Then there'd been the things that May and Karen had seen that they thought would be perfect for Noah or for a boy his age. Some of it Olivia had decided against. Other items had ended up in the cart and on her credit card statement. Will hadn't said anything at the time of the shopping trip that made her think he'd felt excluded – he'd actually encouraged her to go and seemed almost happy that she was spending some time with his mother and sister-in-law and letting them help. But his body language during the wrapping was telling a bit of a different story. She thought he likely would've liked to have more input but hadn't known how to say so at the time. Sometimes it felt like they were all walking on eggshells around each other still. None of them wanted to upset the other unnecessarily but it sometimes meant they ended up hurting the other without meaning to.

"Sure," he agreed weakly. "Where's his stocking?"

"Hmm," she glanced around. "It might still be in my bag in the closet."

He nodded and uncrossed his legs and moved to the other side of the room, opening the closet door and pulling her suitcase out. He put it up on the bed and moved to unzip it.

"You sure it's OK I go in here?" he asked. "Don't want to get in trouble for seeing my present again."

"Again?" she asked and raised an eyebrow at him.

He rolled his eyes at her. "I don't want to get in trouble again and be threatened with coal."

She smiled at him. "Your present isn't in there," she said. "It's fine."

He nodded and flipped open the bag and pushed her clothing items that were still in there around for a moment before retrieving Noah's large red sock. He just stood with it in his hand for a moment and then met her eyes while she looked at him questioningly at his pause.

He sighed and gave her a weak smile. "I sort of want to give you your big present now," he said.

"Big present?" she asked.

"Well …," he considered. "It's not big that way. Main present."

"Hmm …" she said. "Sounds like someone else broke the $250 rule."

He gave her a smile. "I didn't say that. I just said it's the main present."

Olivia considered that for a moment and then nodded. "I sort of want to give you your main present now too."

Will looked at her like he was surprised. "Really?"

She shrugged. "Yeah."

As much as she felt they'd made the right choice to spend Christmas with his parents she also knew that from the time Noah got up and they went downstairs they weren't going to have anything that resembled privacy for the rest of the day. It'd be organized chaos at best – no matter how hard his family tried to keep it calm for their sake. For this she wanted a few quiet minutes with just her husband – not his whole family.

"OK," Will smiled and went back to the closet and retrieved his bag and started to dig around in it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: Merry Little Christmas**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: Set in the Olivia/Will/Noah AU, this short story looks at how Olivia's family is doing in the aftermath of the events in Her Negotiation story of this series. Olivia and her family prepare for their first Christmas following their encounter with William Lewis.**

Will came over and sat back down on the ground with her a small box clutched in his hand that he held out to her.

"Merry Christmas," he told her with a small, almost nervous smile.

She returned it and took the box from his hand. "Merry Christmas."

The package was almost undoubtedly jewelry. But that wasn't really surprising with Will. Nearly every Christmas they'd been together he'd gotten her some piece of jewelry. Even before they were actually together he'd gotten her jewelry under the guise of it being from Noah. It was usually just a small trinket, though. As she'd established a $250 spending limit for herself on Noah, she'd quickly passed that on to Will when it became apparent that he wasn't going to stop buying her gifts at the holidays. She thought that was a reasonable among – more than reasonable. He really didn't need to be spending that much money on her. She knew how he felt about her without him lavishing her with gifts. Will, though, never really lavished her. He always had something thoughtful for her at the holidays and her birthday but he didn't go crazy. He more often got her small little expressions of his love for her throughout the year. She didn't just get flowers when he'd screwed up. He was just as likely to show up with a magazine, novel or puzzle book for her weekend enjoyment as he was flowers – when he thought she needed them. He'd pick up tickets to different events and activities for her and Noah and he'd take them out to dinner and brunch regularly. He made sure they were well cared for and had small, special treats in their lives on a regular basis. As special a day Christmas might be in terms of a date on a calendar, it didn't need to be a day for him to bestow mounds of extras onto either her or Noah.

Still, Will had protested a bit when she'd implemented a spending limit. Mostly because she'd told him that it wasn't just for whatever gift he decided to get to her. It was for 'gifts', she'd stressed, so he knew it wasn't $250 per gift. He was always one to find loopholes. It also included stocking stuffers. "Two-hundred and fifty dollars – TOTAL, Will," she remembered stressing firmly to him, almost pulling out her tone when she'd done so.

It had been stockings that she'd allowed him to get away with first in terms of him becoming part of their Christmas traditions. He'd observed rather quickly that she wasn't getting gifts from anyone at the holidays. She hadn't for most of her adult life and she'd just come to accept it. It'd become slightly more glaring with Noah in her life. But he'd still been little enough he hadn't quite noticed yet that he had presents and a stocking and she didn't. Will, though, had made the observation and without even telling her, he had prepared a stocking for her and left it for her while he'd gone across to Staten Island to spend the holidays with his family. She didn't have a chance to counter until the following year and then she'd stuffed a stocking for him in return. He'd just used the whole situation to weasel his way in. The next year he'd evolved to having a gift to go with her stocking.

He was like that, though. He had been their whole relationship. He was always finding these little loopholes. These gaps in her walls and figuring out ways to chip at them until he could break his way in. And he had broken his way in.

Sometimes Olivia still wondered if he regretted that. Will was a kind-hearted man. Too kind. He likely didn't know how to back away. Sometimes Olivia wondered why he hadn't figured out how to run. She wouldn't have blamed him if he had. He likely had no idea what he was getting into and even when he'd figured it out, there was good reason for him to bail. Sometimes she still found it staggering to believe that anyone would choose to standby her side during what they'd endured in their relationship – in their family. Why would someone choose to stay while a child went through cancer? After her shooting? And now after all of this? After what had happened not just to her – but to him and to their son? And with everything it meant for them now? They'd never be the same. Not as individuals. Not their relationship as husband and wife. Not their family.

Sometimes Olivia still prepared herself for him to announce he'd had enough. Yet she knew she could never really prepare herself for that. Not anymore. He'd become such an ingrained part of her life that she didn't know how she'd survive without him – even though there were days where she just wished he'd leave her alone, back off, go away. He never did, though, He gave her space when he knew she really needed it but he never went away. Even when he was upset with her or needed his own space and his own time – when he wanted to be alone too – he never truly went away. He was always just a text or phone call away and he was more likely the one to check in on her – no matter who upset he was – then she was to check in with him. And about the farthest he'd ever gone 'away' was right here – to his parents. It wasn't like he was out of reach or off the map.

"Going to open it?" Will asked and pulled her out of her thought process.

Olivia suddenly became self-conscious about how long she might've been sitting there and staring at the box in her hand. She did that a lot anymore. More than she wanted to admit. She just fazed out and got lost in her thoughts. She started operating on a different plane – where she wasn't really operating. She was just sitting there completely in her own head. Yet, it was often at a time where she probably really didn't want to be left in her own head. Who knew how long she'd been sitting there with that look on her face? Will did. It'd clearly been long enough that he felt the need to refocus her and to try to bring her back before she went somewhere that she really shouldn't be going.

She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and gave him a small nod and a thin smile.

"Yeah," she agreed and met his eyes briefly before turning back to the box. He still looked a little nervous about it. She hadn't seen him look that anxious about handing her a jewelry box since he proposed – or he had tried to propose. She hadn't really let him. Hence being handed a box and not a ring.

Olivia began to slowly work at unwrapping his near perfect wrapping job. The paper had been cut to the exact size that was needed to give it a tight, fitted and creased look. All the images of the patterned print were cut, folded and taped so they exactly matched making it almost indistinguishable where the seams were. The minimum of tape was used and again cut to tiny little pieces and pressed in so smoothly that it took time to pick them off. There was no adhesive dollar store bow on this present. He'd wrapped it with ribbon and curled the edges with scissors. It was such a piece of art in itself it was almost a shame opening it. Will's wrapping jobs – beyond taking forever – always made her feel a little guilty about even ripping the paper in the slightest. It felt like she should almost be using scissors to slit each piece of tape and then take the wrapping off in one piece and fold it up to use it again another year. Though, she supposed then it would be creased in unsightly ways that would make Will deem it inadequate for his wrapping masterpieces.

As the paper came off she held the velvety black box in her hand for a moment and gazed at the imprint of the jeweler. She almost wanted to laugh though her eyes glazed with emotion as well. She shot Will a sad smile.

"You broke the $250 rule," she told him before she'd even opened it. She already knew what was inside.

He returned the weak smile. "I wasn't that concerned about the money," he admitted. "Open it," he suggested gently.

She nodded again and then popped open the lid and looked at the gold pendant proclaiming 'fearlessness' at her. It was an exact replica of the necklace that she'd be wearing when Lewis took her. The pendant that she'd taken from her neck and left on the ground in the hopes that the detectives would find it and at least have a hint about the direction her torturer had taken her when they'd abandoned the car. An item that was still in evidence and that she wasn't likely to ever get back. Even if she did she wasn't sure she wanted that one back. This one, though – this one, she'd take. She'd keep.

She gave Will another smile as a tear trickled down her cheek. "Thank you," she said quietly.

He gave her a comforting smile and reached out and touched her elbow before sliding down and gripping her hand. "Want me to help you put it on?" he asked.

She nodded and he slid closer to her and she allowed him to take the necklace from her hand and undo the clasp, draping it around her neck and then closing the clasp and looking at her again. He smiled more genuinely at her.

"Looks good on you," he said. "Always did."

She let out a bit of a sob at that but it turned into a laugh and her hand went up to where the pendant was sitting against her chest. She wasn't sure how fearless she felt anymore but she certainly wanted to feel that way. Now more than ever. But the sentiment almost made her want to laugh more.

Will gave her a questioning look. "Well, I expected some emotion from you. That's why I thought maybe I should give it to you now. But laughter wasn't one of the ones I was anticipating."

She smiled at him and slid away from him to the bedside table at her side of he bed.

"You need to open yours," she said and opened the drawer to retrieve the box that wasn't wrapped nearly as sophisticated as the parcel she'd just opened. Though, it was a similar size.

She handed it out to him and Will took it.

"This isn't the telescope I asked for, is it?" he teased of the tiny box.

She let out a small laugh again at that and shook her head. "No, sorry. No telescope this year."

"Darn," Will mumbled and moved to take the paper off. He wasn't as careful about removing it as her – but it wasn't as much of a piece of art as his efforts. The wrapping fell away quickly and as it did he shot her a look a smile growing across his face.

In his hand he held a box stamped with the same jewelers branding as the one she just opened. He snapped it open and looked down at the leather-corded bracelet with the same gold 'fearlessness' tablet as what had been on her necklace. He let out his own laugh but it really sounded more like a sob. Her husband looked up at her and his eyes were already brimming.

"I don't know it suits me as well as it suits you," he told her.

She shook her head and shuffled her ass across the floor to sit next to him against the bed, gripped around his chest and pressing a kiss onto his stubbly cheek before finding his lips and putting a hard chaste kiss there. She moved her face a few inches from his and looked him right in the eyes.

"It does," she said. "If it wasn't for your fearlessness these past months, I don't know how we would've gotten through."

He shook his head at that and hung his head. She saw another sob shake his shoulders even though she couldn't see his eyes anymore. She didn't need to, though, to know he was crying. She leaned into him more and wrapped her arms around him into a tight embrace.

"I love you," she assured him. "So much. More than you even know."

"I do know," Will stuttered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: Merry Little Christmas**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: Set in the Olivia/Will/Noah AU, this short story looks at how Olivia's family is doing in the aftermath of the events in Her Negotiation story of this series. Olivia and her family prepare for their first Christmas following their encounter with William Lewis.**

Olivia moved her hand slightly and gently massaged at Will's shoulder.

They'd done some crying and some laughing but they'd mostly just been sitting. She wasn't even sure how long they'd been sitting on the floor in silence now. Will leaning against the bed and her leaning against him.

Really she was in her cling to him position. Her arms were wrapped around him and her head resting against his chest listening to the slow and steady beat of his heart. Her one leg had even moved to drape over his as she'd draped herself over him. Meanwhile, Will had taken his standard position any more of just wrapping is one arm loosely around her shoulder. It was enough for her to feel him there without feeling confined. It was something she could handle without shifting uncomfortably under his grip after mere moments and sitting up and away from him – no matter how sincere, innocent and comforting his attentions had been meant to be.

Will had lamented both in their couples therapy and directly to her that he didn't feel like he was helping – like he was fixing anything. How much he wished that just a simple hug to do anything to make it easier for her. But as much as a hug couldn't fix what had happened – how it couldn't fix her – it also counted for a lot. In that moment – and in some many like it – it was his simple embrace, the fact he was just there no matter how hurt and damaged and unsure he was too, was really enough to make some of it just a tiny bit easier. It was something. Some days it was more than something. Some days it was what got her through the night.

"Your shirt smells like incense," she finally said quietly breaking the silence that had set over them. As much as she was enjoying the silence and that it felt comfortable, she also knew that neither of them should be left alone with their thoughts for too long – especially when it came following a gift exchange that had triggered a lot of reflection.

She felt him look down at her. His chin moving across the crown of her head a bit.

"Yeah," Will mumbled. "It was giving me a bit of a headache at church."

She shifted to look up at him at that a little concerned. "Usually it's a hangover you're combating on Christmas Day," she teased a bit.

Will snorted and rolled his eyes at her. It didn't take much to give Will a hangover. It was likely a good thing he hadn't followed in his family's footsteps and become a first responder. He definitely couldn't keep up with their drinking. He didn't usually even bother to try. But the Christmas Eve Open House at his parents always seemed to prompt him to try. She wasn't entirely sure if it was him trying to keep up with his brothers. Him struggling with being in a social environment with that many people who revered his family. Or it was just the one night a year that he really seemed to overdo it with the alcohol. At least he had. Olivia had quickly caught on to that being one of his downfalls and it making Christmas morning a somewhat long one that he wasn't able to really enjoy through Noah's eyes because of the pain screaming behind them. She made a habit now to stick close to him at the Open House and to cut him off after three. Three was still usually three too many for Will but it was Christmas and she knew the fact that she took an active role in regulating his alcohol intake was something that drew teasing from his brothers. That wasn't really a problem this year, though.

"Are you OK?" she asked. "Is it a migraine?"

He nodded and shifted back into the side of the bed more. "Yeah," he agreed.

She sighed. She hated his migraines. They'd been bad enough before Lewis. But between his head injury during the ordeal and just the stress and lack of sleep that had taken root sense, Will seemed to get them much more frequently and their severity at times seemed that much more debilitating. There'd been some days where he'd called into work and just stayed in bed in the dark. She knew debatably some of that was depression and anxiety related. But the reality of his migraine headaches remained. That was undisputed. She didn't want him to be dealing with one on Christmas morning. Not that Christmas. There was enough. She needed him there and with them – not in pain and excusing himself to a dark room with an icepack. Or worse – in the bathroom vomiting from the light sensitivity and pain of it all.

"It's OK," he assured her. "I took one of the pills. It's sort of helping."

She looked at him again. "Sort of?"

He shrugged. "You know how it creates that weird sensation in my chest. My breathing. But my head feels better."

She sighed again and settled her head back against him and hugged him a bit tighter.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I wish you would've said something."

"Mmm …," he made a sound. "I forgot they used the incense at the Midnight Mass – and it was a nice service. Don't worry about it."

"Are you going to be OK for when Noah is up?" she asked against him. "For when your brothers come over?"

She felt him nod. "Yeah. The pill is helping. The chest stuff will pass soon. Give it a couple hours."

Olivia rubbed her check against his shirt. "You should change out of these clothes, sweetheart," she said. "Get the lingering smell away from you."

He rubbed her back. "Yeah … you're right, babe," he said but didn't move.

She looked up at him. "So … are you going to?"

He shrugged. "Yeah … I guess," he said and this time managed to extract himself from her clutches and stood. He was already pulling the dress shirt – without undoing the buttons – over his head as he was on his feet and snagged a tshirt out of his bag on the bed and pulled it down over his head and torso before she had much of a chance to even register the appearance of his bare skin. "Think my pants smell too?" he asked.

She smiled a little at that. "I don't know, Will. I wasn't sniffing them. Likely. With your nose. Just put on your sleep pants. It's fine. We're almost done. We'll be going to bed soon anyway."

He sort of nodded and he started to loosen his belt so she looked away. That was still a sight her couldn't handle – she likely never would be able to. The suggestion of what it would bring could be triggering. She didn't want that that night. She knew logically it wasn't going to bring anything beyond Will taking off his dress pants and pulling on some flannel patterned plaid.

She listened while he shuffled around, setting her sights on the wall ahead of her and thinking that likely would've been better off changing from her church attire before crawling around on the floor to do Christmas wrapping too. But she'd had a one-track mind by the time they got home and got Noah to bed. She mind did that anymore. It got on something and it just stuck to it – the rest disappearing to the background, sometimes too deeply. It was another survival mechanism she'd developed and one that she knew wasn't too healthy.

Listening to his movements now, Olivia realized how tired he actually seemed. He sounded sluggish and clumsy as he fumbled around removing his pants and socks and dug around in his bag for his sleep clothes. He seemed to be taking far too long when he rounded the bed again and slouched back down onto the floor next to her with a plastic bag in his hand, looking inside.

"What's that?" she asked.

He glanced at her. "I'm getting out another one of your presents."

She snorted and rolled her eyes. "I think maybe we should save something to open in front of your parents."

"It's a stocking stuffer," he said. "Relax. Besides, they don't care what we're opening. Their eyes will be on Noah."

"Will, they care about us being there and participating tomorrow morning too," she assured.

She knew that they were all framing their presence there that night and the next morning in their own ways. They were trying to downplay the real reasons and mask the changes in traditions. They were focusing on it being nice to be with family. They were toting that all Rob and Karen's kids were going to be home for the holidays this year and how nice it would be for everyone to be all together. But they all knew what underscored their side of the family deciding to deviate from their own Christmas routines.

Olivia knew too, though, that Ted and May were happy they were there. It was clear how much they worried about them now. More than before. She knew that they'd both wanted her and Will to consider setting up house on Staten Island when they'd decided they wouldn't be returning to the brownstone. There'd been a period where Olivia had even vaguely considered it as she spent part of the summer walking from Ted and May's home with Noah down to the shoreline. It was about as far as they ever went. They had their little radius that she'd convinced herself – and him – they were safe in. But it'd felt like maybe it could be home. After she'd returned to work at the end of July, though, and she started dealing with the commute from Tottenville to Midtown, she'd decided against even considering it.

As comforting as being near Will's family and away from the city had felt in some ways, in others she knew it would've felt isolating and driven her crazy with time too as she recovered more. Even being out of Manhattan now didn't feel quite right. Though, she hadn't been able to find an apartment, building and neighborhood that coincided as somewhere she could see herself feeling safe or feeling that her son was safe. Maybe she would eventually. But in the immediacy, they'd had to make alternative arrangements.

Still, she knew Ted and May were struggling with it. They were visiting and checking in more than ever before. But she didn't protest against that as much anymore. She was glad that someone was checking in on them. That someone would know quickly if something were to ever happen again. She was glad that Noah had other people in his life to lean on and seek comfort and support from. She was glad for that for her and Will too. So spending Christmas with his parents had become a given in more ways than one. She supposed it made up for all the years that her and Will had opted to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning alone with Noah and not bring his larger family into it. Ted and May had more than earned that – to see their youngest grandchild on Christmas morning. Especially that year.

"Correction," Will said. "This morning. And double correction – they do care about us being here but it's Noah they want to watch open presents. Not us. Well … maybe you. Did you see who the big one under the tree is for?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not twelve, Will. I wasn't crawling around under the tree shaking presents."

"It's too big to shake," Will said and looked at her. "It's to you. From Dad. Not from Mom and Dad. Just from Dad."

Olivia rubbed her eyebrow at that. "That's terrifying."

"I'd say," Will said.

She gave him a smile for that. The truth, though, was that she wasn't terrified by it at all. She was actually kind of intrigued. She wondered what it was. She had her suspicions. If it was big and heavy, she bet it was something from Ted's woodshop. But she was often in there visiting with him anymore and she couldn't think of any project that he appeared to have on the go that he might be giving her – and he hadn't mentioned anything that she'd expressed a piqued interest in and tried to drop hints that maybe her and Will would like to have that in their apartment. So she wasn't sure what it might be.

What Olivia did know, though, was that she was glad to have Ted McTeague as a father-in-law. Having not grown up with a father, she still wasn't entirely sure what a relationship with one was supposed to look like. But she appreciated having Ted around. He'd been a quiet support to her during all of this. He never pried or made her talk about anything. He never even asked. He was just as good at sharing space with her as Will – but in a different way. She'd spent a lot of time during their three months living with Ted and May out in the workshop with him or sitting on the porch while her father-in-law manned the barbecue. He was good at quiet talk about nothing that seemed like something. He was also good at just shutting up or giving her some job to do to distract her. He'd also been instrumental in helping them manage – or rather dodge – the media.

For all the criticisms her and Will could come up with for being part of the McTeague dynasty, there was something to be said for it amid all of this. She sort of hated that she'd now become a page in the family's mythos. But she'd liked that people seemed to be happy to let Ted be the family spokesperson. It had meant there were fewer things for her and Will to have to worry about. Less things to stress about or hide from. Ted just took control and did it – handled it. Something she probably would've hated previously but something she was happy for at this time.

"Here," Will said and handed out something to her. But she diverted her eyes.

"Will … com'on," she protested. "I'd like a surprise in the morning."

"It's morning," he said. "Surprise."

She sighed and shook her head at him annoyed. But he gave her that smile and tapped the gift against her arm again.

"Com'on," he urged. "It's nothing big. It's a stocking stuffer. I'll still put it in the stocking for you."

She let out a slightly annoyed and rather slow breath but looked down and took a bottle of foaming body wash out of his hand. She looked at the label and let out a small laugh.

"Ginger sparkle?" she teased.

Will rolled his eyes. "Whatever. If I based buying you girly shit solely on the stupidest of the names, you'd never get anything." She smiled more at that comment. "Just smell it," he suggested.

She grinned at him but allowed herself to pop open the cap and take a whiff. She gave him a gentler smile at that.

"It smells good," she allowed.

"It smells fantastic," Will said and took it from her and sniffed at it himself.

She pulled it away from his nose carefully. "You're going to make your headache worse."

He shook his head. "It has peppermint in it. That helps with headaches."

She just made a sound of acknowledgement. Will had peppermint oil that he was always dabbing on his temples when he thought he had a migraine coming on. If it worked, it worked – but it did meant that half the time her husband smelled like an Altoids. She could think of other fragrances she'd prefer him to be wearing but most of them just gave him headaches too. They existed in a scent-free household. Beyond peppermint, of course. And now, apparently ginger sparkle.

"Want to take a bath?" Will suggested and raised an eyebrow at her.

"Ahhh …," she said and elbowed him slightly in the ribs. "That's what this is about. You should be lying down soon. Resting so you hopefully don't have a headache anymore when Noah's up."

"Baths help with my headaches," Will said.

"Ice cold showers help with your headaches," she corrected. "I'm not getting into an ice bath."

"It won't be an ice bath," Will said almost pleading. She made a small sound of acknowledgement but didn't agree to it. They were both tired. It was late. Though she loved having baths with him – or she had – anymore there was the potential for discomfort and she wasn't sure she wanted to risk that that night. But she heard him let out a small sigh next to her and she glanced at him. "I just … wanted some quiet … us time," he said softly.

She gave him a thin smile at that and touched his chest leaning into him again. "It's late, Will," she said. "We'll wake your parents up drawing the water."

Previously she might've protested against the concept of getting into the tub with him when his parents were in the next room. But they had lived with Ted and May for about three and half months. Even though they'd moved out now they were still there more weekends than not. Their apartment really just felt like a place with a bedroom closer to their workplaces and Noah's school more often than not. The proximity to his parents and the length of time it had continued had meant there'd been points where her and Will had attempted to start re-establishing their physical relationship. It was a slow process.

Olivia kind of hated that it was a process. She felt like that was her fault. She had to stop and remind herself that her and Will establishing their sex life in the first place had been a process. She thought that was part of it that was upsetting, in a way. It had been a process but she'd been happy with that part of her relationship with Will. He was a good lover. It was the most mature and satisfying sexual relationship she'd had in her life – and Lewis had taken that away too. Now they were beyond dysfunctional it felt like at times. She wasn't sure they'd ever get back to what they had. She had trouble believing that was possible. No mater how much 'better' or 'healed' she became.

Still, they were trying and they'd started trying before they'd moved out of Ted and May's. It added another element of awkwardness and stress to it as they worked on that area of their relationship in the bedroom down the hall from his parents and in the bathroom literally next to their room. But Olivia was also acutely aware of how worried at least May was for them in terms of the impact the assault was having of their relationship and marriage.

May had been out for a walk with the three of them. Noah and his grandmother had been walking ahead of her and Will. It'd been a nice day. Sunny. Bright. Warm. It was a quiet stroll. It had almost felt like they could pretend they didn't have a care in the world. They could try to forget. And, at some point on the walk Will's hand had found hers. Not just her hand but his arm had snaked around hers and pulled her slightly closer to him as they walked in step and then gripped her fingers tightly but so tenderly. She'd let him. She hadn't pulled away from the gesture and his embrace. It'd been the first time since the assault that they'd held hands at that point. At least like that. Will had mostly been letting her decide what she wanted and needed and she'd mostly been shying away from much contact. About the most Will had initiated was to wrap his arm loosely around her one shoulder in a half hug. Holding his had, though, had felt nice. It had felt normal and comforting in a different way than the other comforts he offered in their quest to find some level of normalcy again.

His mother had turned around from her chatter with Noah at one point to say something to them. Whatever she was going to say, though, seemed to go forgotten as she saw them holding hands and walking so closely together. More like they were a young couple out on a date than man and wife in their 40s and with a child. May's eyes had just lit up on seeing it, though. Olivia had seen how she glowed and she'd later overheard her whispering to Ted that they'd been holding hands and walking together.

Will's parents weren't going to care if they were in the tub together. There wouldn't be any disapproval – even if they did wake them. And, Will and Olivia had ventured their return to quiet soaks while they'd still been living their anyway. Ted and May had clued in it was part of their intimacy routine, Olivia was sure. The truth was it was about as far as they'd gotten with their return to intimacy for a whole host of reasons that spanned beyond just her.

"They're still awake," Will said. "They're downstairs."

Olivia looked up at him again. "They're still up? Why?"

Will shrugged. "I don't know. They're likely just enjoying the tree before the child tornado strikes."

She snorted at that even though that was exactly the part of Christmas Day she was dreading the most. It was going to be so loud and chaotic when Will's brothers and their wives and children – and likely some of their boyfriends and girlfriends – arrived for the afternoon. Maybe Will still having a migraine would be beneficial for all of them. A good excuse to retreat upstairs for some quiet time and a nap if it got to be too much. She knew that Ted had likely given Tom and Rob's families instructions about keeping it in check. But she also knew that could only go so far especially when families with kids arranging from eight to 27 were involved and came with their various entourages.

"They used to make mulled wine on Christmas Eve. Maybe they're doing that. So they aren't drinking in front of us," Will suggested.

But it made Olivia sigh and she rubbed her cheek against his chest again and his arm again wrapped its away across her shoulders.

"You think they're really disappointed about not having the Open House?" she asked.

Will shook his head against the top of hers again. "No," he said firmly. "That was their choice."

"A choice they made because of us," Olivia said quietly. "Because of me."

"No," Will said. "It was a choice they made because they wanted to have us here. That's all, Liv."

She sighed. She still felt like she'd destroyed not only a family tradition but an FDNY tradition that had spanned decades. It wasn't just that, though. It was that with the cancellation so many people in the fire service would've read between the lines and known why. It was a quiet – but powerful – statement of just how well (or unwell) her and her family were doing. The McTeagues had already cancelled their Labor Day weekend barbecue because of her. Then it had seemed to make some sense. It hadn't been that long since the family's assault. But now it was seven months later and Ted and May were still cancelling events on her behalf.

"Today was way better than the open house," Will assured her again and gave her shoulder a squeeze.

She smiled against him. She sort of agreed with him. But she wasn't sure their usual list of guests – or even his brothers and their families – agreed.

With the cancellation of the Open House, Ted had ended up invited to play the role of Santa for the annual firefighter rescue of the Big Man in Red off the roof of one of the older fire stations in the city. Ted had put up a fuss about having to participate and had acted like both the family and the FDNY were twisting his arm into putting on the costume. But it was pretty clear that he was a little flattered to be getting the attention.

The tradition had been going on for years but Will said that he hadn't been since he was a child with how busy his family was with preparing for their Open House. Seeing the event Olivia was a little disappointed that she hadn't known about it when Noah was smaller. He likely would've enjoyed Santa's rescue – and if not that, he would've loved the big red fire truck and all the sirens. He still liked that part and had been rather tickled he was 'picked' to be the child who got to sound the alarm when Santa was spotted on the rooftop. Noah was also very proud of himself for not blurting out to any of the younger kids in the crowd that it wasn't Santa, it was just his Popa dressed up.

Olivia had thought the red suit had suited Ted quite well. Though, he'd briefly gotten bent out of shape when Will had teased him that they didn't need to give his 'bowl full of jelly' much padding. Will was quite pleased to have a moment to tease his father – something that happened few and far between. But Ted wasn't thrilled with that kind of attention. So Olivia had diverted the attention away from how well May had been feeding him to how authentic his white mustache looked. Unfortunately its authenticity was somewhat masked by the artificial beard that was Velcroed around his chin.

But it had been a nice way to spend the afternoon. Olivia had been leery about it at first. There'd be crowds. There'd be speakers blaring Christmas music. There'd be lots of people in uniform. There'd be people who'd know her and probably want to ask 'how are you doing?'. There'd be sirens. It didn't sound all that appealing to her. But as the family of that year's Santa, they go to watch from next to the rescuing fire truck – so she really hadn't had to deal with too many people at all and she'd mostly been surrounded by the McTeague family and a handful of the event organizers. The most important part, though, was that Noah had been smiling the whole time they were there and she got some really great pictures of him with 'Santa'. May had been a little disappointed she didn't get to dress up as Mrs. Claus but she'd certainly done her best to dress as close to the part as she could and nudge her way into the pictures too. It had been nice. Olivia was glad they'd had that – and she was glad that Will's parents had an event in the absence of their Open House. It made its cancellation seem less glaring.

"I had fun," she agreed. She was almost surprised she picked that word. There were so few times since the spring that she would classify as 'fun'. Everything was so guarded. Sometimes it almost felt like she wasn't supposed to be having fun with anything yet. She sighed, though, feeling like in her state she was also obligating those around her to not have any fun. "Your parents can drink in front of us," she said and gave Will a look.

He shook his head and met his eyes. "They aren't going to. They understand where we're coming from and they respect that. It's fine."

"What about your brothers? Your nieces and nephews? Their boyfriends and girlfriends? How is it fair that because I don't want to drink they aren't allowed to have a drink on Christmas?"

"Liv," Will said and looked at her, "it's not that you don't want to drink. Everyone understands that."

Everyone knew she couldn't stand the smell. There'd been an incident in the summer when Tom had come and sat down next to her on the porch with a beer in hand and already a couple rounds into a case of his own. He'd just come to talk to her but his breath had hit her and she'd near hyperventilated before vomiting both on her shoes, Tom's and Ted's. Will hadn't been back from work yet. She'd been both mortified and beyond embarrassed and struggled so hard to pull it together and seem 'normal' after that without her husband there to deflect the rest of the family and to help her retreat while he dealt with any of their concerns or questions.

There'd been no comment from the family but the usual bottles and cans in hand that accompanied the McTeague men during the summer cook-out months had disappeared – at least at Ted and May's house, and seemingly at least while they were over at Rob and Karen's too. In a way Olivia appreciated the acknowledgement from the family and their effort to accommodate her. But she also was embarrassed by it and wondered how long she should need – or expect – anyone to accommodate her. She just wanted to feel normal – to be normal – again. She worked in law enforcement. She was a member of a first responder family. She was going to be around alcohol whether it was people in the precinct, going out for dinner or drinks with colleagues at work, or visiting her family. If she was going to hate alcohol and avoid it, she wanted it to be because of her mother – not because of William Lewis. But somehow it seemed too late to be blaming her aversion on her mother now.

"Do your nieces and nephews? They've been away at school. They're kids."

"They're kids," Will agreed. "More reason they shouldn't be getting liquored up at their grandparents."

She sighed and rubbed her cheek against his chest again.

"Liv, don't worry about it. Rob and Karen will have talked to them. Mom and Dad will have all kinds of non-alcoholic beverages for them to choose from. Everyone will be fine." She didn't respond, though. "That non-alcoholic wine at dinner was really good," he said.

She looked up gave him a thin smile. "It was," she agreed.

She'd been reluctant to even try it. But after the bottle was open it was clear it didn't even smell like wine. It really wasn't much more than a tart grape soda. But it was a bottle that had been imported from Italy and even though she was no expert in the non-alcoholic alcohol, she had agreed that it was quite nice. It was a nice treat with the massive Christmas Eve meal that May had apparently felt was an appropriate substitution for all the cooking and baking she would've done had the Open House gone forth.

"I can't think about Christmas dinner yet, though," she admitted. "I'm still full from tonight's meal."

Will snorted. "Well, Mom's going to be putting breakfast in front of you in a few hours."

Olivia groaned at that. "I can't eat waffles. It's too heavy after a dinner like that."

Will rubbed her shoulder. "It's OK. She's used to you turning down her food at this point. She won't be insulted."

Olivia laughed and looked up at him again and he gave her a smile. "She has an entire produce aisle in the fridge for us," he told her. "There will be lots of fruit instead."

She nodded but gave him a sadder smile. "I am going to miss your breakfast casserole this year, though."

But he smiled wider at that. "Really?"

She nodded and went back to gripping at him. It was just a small part of the Christmas morning tradition that her, Will and Noah had managed to develop but it was something she looked forward to. She suddenly wondered if maybe it should've been something she clung to in creating a sense of normalcy this year. This Christmas that was proving so different than any previous one she'd had since Noah's arrival. She was still struggling to decide if that difference was good for them or not – no matter how much it was needed.

"I think we should take that bath," she said after silence had hung between them again for what felt like several seconds but she knew might've extended for minutes as they both became lost in thought again.

She felt Will's chin again move against the top of her head as he looked down at her. "Really?" he asked like he was surprised she'd agreed.

She nodded again. "Yeah. Really."


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: Merry Little Christmas**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: Set in the Olivia/Will/Noah AU, this short story looks at how Olivia's family is doing in the aftermath of the events in Her Negotiation story of this series. Olivia and her family prepare for their first Christmas following their encounter with William Lewis.**

**WARNING: This chapter discusses the state of Olivia and Will's sex life since their encounters with Lewis. It's not overly graphic but it is enough to likely make this chapter an M RATING. If you want to skip that part, scroll down until you see the first bit of dialogue.**

She glanced at Will as he settled into the tub and she let the robe that she was clutching around her fall open.

This was always the worst part of them sharing a bath anymore. It used to be something she almost enjoyed. A small tease for Will while she either got undressed or opened her robe and joined him in the warm water. Now, though, she just really didn't want him looking at her.

She wasn't sure when that would get better or easier. Even now, with the lights dimmed almost as low as they could go and a lone candle that Will had dug out of somewhere flickering, she still felt too exposed even though she knew that her husband couldn't really truly see much more than her figure and form. He wouldn't be able to make out the scars that plagued large swaths of her torso. But Will was an examiner. The scientist in him made him an observer. He was always looking for patterns and changes in behavior and sequence. Differences. She knew even though he couldn't see much right now he was still looking and it made her uncomfortable.

She hadn't really shared her body – her wounds, her scars – with Will since her assault. Not in its entirety. She knew most of them he'd likely seen at this point, but not all at once. Not while he'd been in a position to look at and examine one. She hadn't allowed herself to go under his microscope even though she knew how much he worried and how much he really wanted to see just to confirm to himself she was OK.

She'd found all sorts of excuses and reasons and ways to keep from having to let him see the mess that her body had become. The sight that made her cringe even when she saw herself. Sometimes she still didn't recognize her own body when she caught sight of it in the mirror. In reality, she avoided catching glimpses of her reflection. It was too upsetting for her. Sometimes seeing it made her feel so ugly. Other times it just seemed like a glaring reminder of how broken she still was. How many wounds she had inside and out that would never truly fade away no matter how faint they might get. For now, though, the seven months hadn't been enough to fade most of them. Most here were pucker and purple from their healing. They looked angry and scared all at the same time to her. If she looked at them too long – if she let her fingers trace over them – sometimes she could still feel the knife or the keys or the soldering iron pressing into her flesh, breaking it and searing it.

Olivia told herself that Will had seen enough and knew enough that he didn't need to see her body lied out bare with the chance for him to examine each one. She knew how sad it would make him. She knew he'd want to touch them. Or worse, she feared it would actually repulse him – even though she knew Will wasn't that way. Will might've always been physically attracted to her – she knew that – but their relationship wasn't based solely on appearances. The scars wouldn't change how he felt about her. Or that's what her minding and her therapist kept reciting. Physically maybe they wouldn't. But that didn't mean seeing them wouldn't change other things about the way he interacted with her. She knew Will. She knew how he carried pain and how he was carrying the pain and the responsibility of what had happened to her and their family.

So she still stayed covered up. For the most part. She rarely changed in front of him anymore. The times they'd attempted to be intimate, it'd been in the dark and under covers. If they did move beyond kissing and holding each other, she had yet to remove her shirt for him. They'd even gone so far one of the times they'd attempted sex that they'd planned ahead and she'd donned a pair of his boxers so there was easy access while she was in essence still fully clothed. That hadn't really worked, though. If anything, it'd been an indication that she wasn't ready for sex yet and they'd put it on the backburner again and focused on trying to be 'normal' in other ways. The times they got in the tub together were really the only chance he got to see her – to be with her – fully naked anymore.

Feeling his gaze set on her, she moved quickly to the tub as the robe dropped and stepped inside. The water splashed slightly as she joined him and as he moved to make room for her.

Ted and May's tub really wasn't ideal for soaking. Even for one person it wasn't a tub that encouraged anyone to linger and putting two people into it really was somewhat cramped. It wasn't like the big old soaker tub that'd had in their old place. It certainly wasn't like the giant corner Jacuzzi unit they had in the en suite of their new apartment. But as much as Olivia didn't want to be under Will's gaze, she did want to feel his touch and comfort that night. As nice as the day had been, the addition of Christmas to their reality was still making it feel somewhat skewed and jarring. As focused on the day and the celebration as she was trying to be – as upbeat as she was trying to make herself be – she still felt more off than usual. She just wanted some time with her husband and he'd outright stated he wanted as much too. So the small tub would have to do.

She eased herself down into the hot water between his long, lean legs that were already taking up more space than the tub offered.

When they'd reintroduced their bath time to their intimacy efforts she'd long debated about where she'd feel comfortable sitting in the arrangement. Previously she would've favored being the one sitting in the rear. She loved to sit in the warm water with Will and talk while she could play with his hair and massage at his scalp, kiss and massage his ears. She had loved how he'd absent-mindedly run his hands down her legs and lap the water over her knees, nearly tickling behind them while he told her about his day. She had thought that she might still prefer to be behind so he couldn't have the chance to see her scars – so she could be hidden from his view. But she'd decided she wouldn't be able to handle having the weight of him pressing against her. The heaviness of him as his body relaxed. As much as she used to find that comforting in most cases before, she could only imagine it to be confining now.

She'd eventually settled on letting Will take up the rear. She'd still had concerns about that too. She didn't exactly want to deal with his arousal poking against her with her ass in that close of proximity to his crotch. But that hadn't really turned out to be much of a worry.

Will had been having difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection since her assault – and his. There'd been a period where it added to her fears that he wasn't attracted to her anymore – even though she wasn't ready for much of a sexual relationship at that point anyway. But with careful talking – and therapy – it'd become clear it had more to do with psychological trauma than anything else. She couldn't blame him for that. Her own psychological – mental and emotional – trauma was holding her back from re-establishing their sex life too. Still, it was frustrating for both of them in other ways. It frustrated Will on a sexual level but also as a man. It frustrated him more on the nights where she thought she wanted to try and he wasn't able to participate the way he wanted to. It'd brought him to tears a couple times. As jarring as that was for her, she'd also had to remind herself that she'd been in tears in the bedroom too and he'd had to comfort her. They were both learning how to work through both of their dysfunctions together. It was hard work.

Olivia had thought that maybe he should take it up with his doctor – just to make sure there wasn't something more wrong. But Will wasn't ready to admit it was that sort of problem yet. She supposed too in a way she didn't really want him coming home with a prescription. She wasn't sure she wanted to deal with a chemically induced erection when most times she (or rather her body) thought she was ready, she usually decided she wasn't and asked him to stop. His erectile dysfunction at the moment was almost a mixed blessing for her. The times they had attempted actual sex, he usually hadn't been able to finish. As upsetting that was for him, it had meant their attempts were short-lived and in most cases the actual penetration had stopped before she'd had to ask him to stop. Still, it added a whole other dimension to their recovery efforts.

Their couples therapist kept talking about 'healing touch' and 'healing sex'. But neither her nor Will seemed ready to go there with the woman yet. Will was too deeply private to want to talk about that with a near stranger no matter if they were paying her to help them be 'normal' again. Olivia just didn't want to talk yet about how screwed up their sex lives had become. Sometimes she felt like it'd only been seven months. They couldn't be expected to be functioning normally yet – to have back what they'd had. Yet, other times she felt like it had been seven months and she wondered if and when they'd ever be able to achieve that.

She also sometimes wanted to scream at the therapist that she didn't know what she was talking about. 'Healing touch'? She didn't think the woman understood how much the body and mind could betray you. How sometimes her body still craved the way Will ran his hands across her inner thighs. How he would graze his fingers across the ticklish skin on her ribs. How he'd gently weigh her breasts in his palms and caress them. How his fingers would slip between her legs and find her sex. Yet now even when he did that for her it wasn't his hands she felt anymore. The touch didn't make her stay in the moment and crave more – it sent her back to another place that she didn't want to be or think about. A place that terrified her. A place with another William – who made her want to vomit.

Olivia hated that her husband's touch sometimes left her nauseated now. She didn't know what to tell him. Was her entire body off limits? What could he touch? What couldn't it? What'd trigger her and how? She didn't know how to stay the moment. She often couldn't – not matter how hard she tried. And when she managed to stay in the moment, it took so much effort and concentration that the arousal of what they were doing – the lust and the desire – faded until it felt like they were mechanically forcing themselves to be intimate. They were trying to be normal and they both knew they were failing.

The only heed she took in the matter was knowing that on some level Will understood. She could no longer undress him. Her unbuttoning his fly near instantly caused his erection to disappear. He near consistently brushed her hands away when she reached for his sex. It didn't matter if it was through his clothing or after he'd extracted himself. Her touch apparently took him back to the bedroom that he had so refused to enter ever again that they'd had to have others back that level of the brownstone for them. Still it was hard to not be allowed to touch or please her husband. She reminded herself that he must feel the same way – only he had a much larger no-go zone to contend with.

She'd feared that he wouldn't honor the no-touch policy in the tub. That his hands would still wander and find the scars across her torso even when her back was to him. She worried his lips would find the scars on her back and shoulders. He'd been good about it though. He'd wrap his arms around her and press a kiss below her one ear but he wouldn't go exploring. They'd just quietly sit. Sometimes they'd talk. They'd try to pretend it was like before and that a bath was an excuse to talk about their days or to plot out what needed to get done that week. To review Noah's schedule and how each of them fit into making sure he met it. Olivia didn't think, though, they'd be doing much talking that night (morning).

Will shifted as she settled into the tub and she glanced over the shoulder at him. "You alright?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah. Just adjusting my junk for you."

She allowed him a small laugh and a little smile. "Well, I can't move forward much more in this tub."

"Mmm," Will acknowledged as she stayed sitting forward and he moved back in the limited space of the tub a bit. "I think we got used to the one we've got at home."

"Spoiled," Olivia said quietly.

She certainly didn't feel that way. But the reality was that they'd pushed the realm of their means with the apartment they'd moved into. The floor space was nearly the same as they'd had but it was just laid out differently. Beyond that it was in an uber secure building with a doorman. It was a modern development and the kitchen and bathrooms reflected that. They'd also paid for a view and to have a terrace. The only ways they'd been able to justify affording it was that Will's student debts had finally been settled and they didn't have as many medical bills for Noah coming in anymore. And, of course, they justified it in knowing for any of them to get any sort of sleep or manage their sanity they needed a secure building. Of course, they could've foregone some of the luxuries in the building and picked something or somewhere else. But Will had insisted that he wanted her to have a nice kitchen and a bathroom she liked and bedrooms that she thought her and Noah would be comfortable in. It evolved into them living somewhere that she wasn't really sure was them but it was definitely modern, seemingly safe and very comfortable. It'd do for the moment – and it let her gaze at her city in the distance and think about if and when she'd ever be ready to go back and to take her son back there.

"OK," Will said. "I'm good. You can sit back, if you want."

Olivia let herself fall back against his chest as her legs struggled to find a comfortable position in the small tub. If she hadn't still been so self-conscious about him examining her and touching her, a shower likely would've been a better option. But as Will's arms wrapped loosely around her, she let that thought slip from her head and settled against him.

She turned her head and placed a soft kiss against the part of his shoulder she could reach. "Love you," she told him quietly.

She could feel him smile against her hair where his nose and mouth seemed to be buried against the side of her head. "Love you too," he returned.

He didn't say more and she made herself try to enjoy the warm water and the beat of his heart and breathing against her back. The feel of his arms and his chest. It was all comforting. There were some days that it really felt like a security blanket. Sometimes she could sit or lie in his embrace for hours.

They'd become experts at just filling space with each other in the living room. Her leaning against him on the couch while he arm wrapped around her and drew lazy circles on her shoulder. They'd usually have the television on but she didn't think either of them really watched it. It'd become more of a nightlight and it was often on mute. A sports match or the news painting out in front of them silently while they stared blankly at it in each other's presence. Sometimes the most that ever got said was Will's new mantra: "I'm OK. You're OK. We're OK. We're here." She wasn't sure she agreed with seventy-five percent of it but she still liked to here it. At least out of his mouth. He was allowed to say it. It was something she wanted to – needed to – hear from him.

She wasn't sure how long their quiet embrace in the tub had gone on. She'd forced herself to not think of anything more than running her fingers across his just under the water. But she'd come to notice that both of their hands were starting to looked pruned and the water wasn't feeling nearly as scolding hot as when she'd eased herself into it.

"I think we've been in here for a while," she stated the obvious.

"Yeah," Will mumbled against her.

She rolled her head against his shoulder. "I don't think we're going to be getting much sleep tonight," she said.

She felt Will shrug behind her. "Go excuse to take a nap in the afternoon."

Olivia smiled a bit at that. She'd already been plotting in her own head reasons for them to retreat for a while and have some private and quiet time away from the chaos. She was glad Will was on the same page. Though they usually were. It was why they worked. As different as they were in their interests and their upbringings and their personalities, they often thought in the same way. She supposed that was why he'd won her over. He had a way of challenging her but supporting her and collaborating with her at the same time. He let her be independent but was also a part of her team. Anymore she often felt more like he was the captain of their sinking ship.

"How's your head?" she asked.

"I'm OK," he said.

"Your breathing is still off," she said. "I can feel it in your chest."

He made a sound of acknowledgement but no comment.

"I don't want to do a Christmas Day hospital visit," she said flatly.

"We already talked to the doctor about it, Liv," he said softly. "It's a known side effect. It helps with the head pain. It's one or the other."

She made her own sound. She didn't like that he'd had to chose between two discomforts in managing the level of pain he got since Lewis kicked his face in. As bad as his headaches had been before, it was different now and she worried.

There was a small knock at the door and they both turned their heads. They both knew it was likely Noah. Ted and May would just go to the bathroom on the main level.

"Mom? Dad?" Their son's timid voice called.

"Yeah, bud?" Will called out, as Olivia sunk further into the water and simultaneously reached for the shower curtain to draw it across.

She knew it would only be a matter of time before Noah was opening the door. Boundaries with Noah had become somewhat fluid since the spring. There were moments where she felt like her level of privacy with him had devolved to what it had been when he was about three years old. Yet, at the same time, she struggled with how to fix that. Being firm with him seemed harder anymore. It was yet another area she was trying to work on with her own counselor. Sometimes it seemed like she was having to work on every area of her life since Lewis – even ones from her past that she'd thought she'd long moved on from. But her ordeal had dredged up more feelings and emotions and issues than she ever imagined. Dealing with all of it was a process that was like putting together a puzzle in trying to build a whole person again. Sometimes it felt more like Jenga than a puzzle and that it was only a matter of time until they pulled a stray block that sent her entire being tumbling rather than having done anything to build her back up in the end.

"Are you guys awake?" Noah asked. He sounded a little disoriented and sleepy.

"Yeah, sweets," Olivia called, ensuring he heard her voice too and not just his father's. "We're awake."

"What are you doing?"

"We're just taking a bath, sweets," she said.

Apparently the concept of them being naked in the tub didn't deter him from thinking he could come in and the unlocked doorknob turned and Noah peaked through the crack and then pushed the door open more. Olivia had pulled the shower curtain across far enough that only Will was visible to the little boy and he blinked blearily at him.

"Where's Mom?" Noah asked.

Olivia sighed a little inwardly but it was a predictable Noah response. He needed proof that she was still there – and safe. Hearing her voice wasn't enough. She reached and pulled the curtain back enough that he could see her head.

"I'm right here, Noah," she assured. "I'm fine. Daddy and I are just taking a bath."

Noah gazed at her through the dim light like he was weighing the legitimacy of that statement but then he looked back to Will.

"Can I sleep with you guys?" he asked.

"Ahh …" Will stuttered for a moment and looked down at his wife.

She'd been the last one in the room while he went and filled the tub and she got on the bathrobe. She'd managed to wrap one more present while she waited for the water to stop. But there was still his Santa gift to wrap and his stocking to stuff. Everything was sitting out all over the floor. The presents hadn't been taken downstairs yet.

"Sweets, we're still wrapping presents," she told him. "You can't go in there yet."

"But it's morning," her son lamented.

"Ah … I'm not sure it's quite morning yet," Will said.

"Yes it is," Noah contended.

"Well, I think maybe it's morning," he suggested, "but I don't think we're going to be ready to do Christmas presents for a bit. So maybe you should go and sleep for a few more hours."

"I want to sleep with you," he very near whined.

Olivia sighed again and looked at Will. They really should've finished what they were doing before getting in the tub. But she'd been hopeful that Noah would give them the benefit of the doubt that night and stay in his own room. She'd also just really needed some physical affection from her husband following the gift exchange and she'd more than sensed he'd needed the same.

"Noah," she heard hissed quietly from not far outside the door, though. "Noah."

The little boy looked behind his shoulder and out into the darker hallway.

"Come away from that door," May's voice said. "Don't bug your Mommy and Daddy when they're in the bathroom."

"But I want to sleep in their room," Noah whined again.

A hand came into view and stuck itself out for Noah. "After. Come downstairs and sit with me and Popa. I'll make you a hot chocolate."

Noah seemed to consider that and glanced back at them.

"Go with Nana," Will said. "We'll be down soon."

Noah seemed to eye them for a while but then let out a little huff and took his Nana's hand and exited the room. May appeared briefly with their son's exit, though, her eyes clearly diverted and she pulled the door shut again.

"Thanks Mom," Will called.

"Merry Christmas," she said through the door.

Olivia snorted and gazed up at Will again. "I guess that was our cue to get out?"

Will smiled. "Or permission to top up with warm water?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: Merry Little Christmas**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: Set in the Olivia/Will/Noah AU, this short story looks at how Olivia's family is doing in the aftermath of the events in Her Negotiation story of this series. Olivia and her family prepare for their first Christmas following their encounter with William Lewis.**

Olivia peaked ahead down the steps as her and Will finally joined the family in the living room. Even after getting out of the bath, they'd still been upstairs finishing up wrapping and readying the gifts to take downstairs before they'd headed down themselves. What Will had promised would be 'down in a bit' had turned out to be more like an hour and a half. But Noah hadn't come back upstairs looking for them She could almost see why now. Her son was curled in his grandfather's lap – the lights of the Christmas tree twinkling against him.

Noah had always seemed to have a special relationship with Ted. She wasn't sure what had attracted her son to him other than the McTeague family had come into their lives at a time that Noah seemed to be seeking out other males in his own little boy way. But both of Will's parents had doted on him from nearly the get-go. She supposed Ted's affinity for tossing a ball around with him and bringing him small gifts had only endeared the man more to him. It had really been since the assault, though, that Noah had become even more attached to his grandfather. She suspected it was because Ted was the person who had in essence rescued him. It wasn't just that, though.

Noah refused to be left alone anymore. Even being in a separate room from anyone else was a bit of a feat. Ted had become the person he had sought out while they were living with Will's parents. If Noah couldn't be with them, he was near attached to Ted at the hip. As much as May tended to him, it was Ted whom he sought out. He had become the man's shadow – or puppy. Ted, though, had never said anything to indicate that having the little boy underfoot had bothered him. If anything, he'd used the pull to slowly help Noah ease into being away from the house and away from them. It had been with Ted that Noah had gone on his first trip to a nearby park. Ted who he had gone to the store with. Ted who had taken him for a coffee and muffin with some of his other retired firefighter friends. It was a slow easing back into normal life – or at least a life where he wasn't clinging to her and Will's every move – and, it had been Ted who had helped facilitate that process.

"Is he asleep?" Olivia whispered as she got to the bottom of the stairs with Will right behind her.

Ted nodded and patted at where his large hand was wrapped around her son's bicep. "Just about," he said at his usual gruff level.

Olivia wasn't entirely sure what that meant but her son also hadn't jumped up at their presence, so she took that as a positive sign.

"Merry Christmas," May greeted again cheerily as her and Will made their way to the couch. "Would you like something to drink? We've got mulled cider – only the good stuff in it, none of the bad. Or I could put on the kettle."

Olivia glanced at Will as she settled into the couch. He shrugged.

"I'll have a cider, Mom," he agreed and then sat down next to her, his arm automatically finding his away around her shoulder. It was an ingrained action – position – for him anymore, and she found herself reacting to it and letting herself lean into him too.

There was a time when the concept of showing any sort of physical affection for Will in front of his parents (or anyone else beyond Noah, for that matter) would've been something she cringed at. Even after their marriage Olivia had been cautious about being overtly affectionate towards Will in front of Ted and May. She just didn't do much in terms of public displays of affection. May could be so nosey, and they both could be so traditional, it just didn't seem right or comfortable. It wasn't like she saw Will's other brothers and their wives being all that touchy-feely during visits either.

But her stance on the matter had changed somewhat since the assault. Living with Ted and May had forced them to adjust their level of comfort with it. The reality had been as much as Olivia wanted her space, she'd also needed to know Will was there. She had wanted some touch and affection from him just as much as she didn't want to be touched or treated differently. Everything was different, though, and they'd had to learn to operate within that. They were still learning – struggling. Part of that learning curve had been to determine their comfort level around Ted and May. There had reached a point – Olivia wasn't even sure when it was, because it honestly sort of felt like it had just happened from the moment she'd stepped back inside May and Ted's home after being released from the hospital – that they had just decided showing affection to each other in front of his parents was acceptable.

She sat close to Will one the couch. She cuddled with him in front of the television. She let him put his arm around her. She'd accept hugs – even seek them out and give them. They'd even exchanged kisses in front of his parents. Though, most of their kisses were still rather caste anymore. As strange as it was to know that his parents were there and taking note of it, it'd also felt natural too. It was something they were allowed to do. That they were expected to do. She got the sense that Ted and May both appreciated being able to see it too. That it calmed their fears that both as individuals and as a couple they may be beyond repair. Olivia still wasn't sure how fixable their breaks were but they certainly were trying to be functional. Not just for themselves but for Will's family.

"Yeah, that sounds nice," Olivia said of the cider. "It smells delicious."

After they'd escaped the bathroom and the scent of ginger and peppermint that they'd filled the tub with, the smell of the cider had hit them flatly in the face. The spices, oranges, cinnamon and cloves were all mingling together in an unmistakable scent. Olivia had hoped alcohol hadn't been added because the fragrance was too delicious to pass up.

Olivia thought it was a little funny that her and Will now smelt like 'ginger sparkle' apparently and that the entire living space of Ted and May's home smelt of mulled cider. It definitely smelt of Christmas. All they needed was some cookies or Christmas pudding to finish off the aroma. She restrained herself from joking about that, though, or May would undoubtedly be bringing out a tray of cookies when she returned from the kitchen. Olivia actually wouldn't be too surprised if she did anyways on her own accord.

That was one thing about staying with McTeagues over Christmas – they'd definitely be putting on some weight. May was committed to ensuring that she was always prepared to feed a small army. Though, Olivia had come to understand some of what was behind that interacting with it was still a challenge. You could only say no to so much food before being insulting. Will had had a small talk to his parents, though, and at least there were healthier options available than the endless goodies full of fat and sugar and carbs.

She supposed it was a good thing that her and Will had spent so much of the fall beginning a training routine to get her in shape to join his charity team for the triathlon. She still thought it was a crazy concept and sometimes thought it was ridiculous that she'd agreed to do it. But it was time together and it was strengthening her body and helping distract her mind and keep her focused on positive things. A new challenge. It only built on the kickboxing, self-defense and yoga classes that she was already piling into her schedule in her attempts to regain her sanity. She might have to tell Will she was ready to up the training levels after Christmas with May's cooking, though. But she was still apprehensive about running in the dark and the cold, biking in slush and ice and though she'd let Will help her develop a swim program she hadn't agreed to train with him at the pool yet. There was too much opportunity for him to see her scars there. She already felt like people were looking at her even when she knew that few people really cared enough to ever truly notice others. They'd have to figure something out for the winter months. She was letting Will handle that, though. He managed the training schedule and the nutrition plan. She just followed along. Though, she had started doing reading on her own too.

She was beginning to understand why Will had had adopted fitness training – particularly triathlon – following the 9/11 attacks and the death of his first wife. He'd always told her that for him triathlon was about control. Controlling something – his body, his food intake, his training, his routine, his fitness – in the wake of the rest of the chaos he felt. She'd always felt she understood what he was saying but perhaps she'd never truly appreciated it. She did now. She saw the appeal. She saw how it was ease to become wrapped up in it. The more she read. The more she did. The more they adjusted their schedules and tweaked their routines and pushed their limits and managed their diets, the more she wanted to do more. To manage more. To organize more. To get everything else to fit as nicely as the training schedule did. It just made sense. It was easy. Or at least putting it into the calendar was easy. There wasn't much easy about the actual training. It was an interesting challenge, though. It was helping her become closer to Will in a different way than the rest of their experiences following the assault were. She hoped in a more positive way.

May, though, for the moment just seemed delighted that she'd agreed to ingest some of the food. Or rather, the first of the long parade of food that would becoming out of the kitchen that day. The woman disappeared out of the living room and in search of mugs to serve them. As she left Olivia realized that both her in-laws were still in their church clothes. Neither of them had bothered to change after getting home now hours ago.

"You're going to be regretting the all-nighter in a few hours," Olivia commented across the room at Ted.

He shrugged a little at her in a way that so reminded her of Will. "Don't think we're the only ones pulling an all-nighter," he commented. "FDNY. NYPD. We can handle it. Don't know about the rest of them."

Olivia allowed him a small snort of a laugh and looked at Will. "NYU profs never do all-nighters, right?"

Will smiled. "Never."

She looked back at Ted. "He pulled some all-nighters getting exams marked earlier this week."

"Hmm," Ted acknowledged. "Thought you were supposed to have students to help you with that?"

Will shrugged. "I did. To a point."

They'd given Will some first year intro courses to teach during the semester in an attempt to make things 'easier' on him. Olivia didn't get the sense that it had made anything easier for him. Will hated teaching first-year courses. The content bored him. The mix of kids drove him crazy and he just generally didn't feel like dealing with students who were still busy screwing around that fall. He just wanted to do his job. The school likely would've been better giving him some upper year courses or graduate seminars. Or have just let him do research that term. As it was Will had talked most of the semester about taking a sabbatical. Sometimes she thought that maybe he should. As much as she needed to be back to work for her own sanity, sometimes she thought Will would do better at home. That he'd find comfort in getting Noah to and from school and dealing with keeping house and making sure everyone was OK. It'd give him some time to level out because he really hadn't gotten to take as much time to level out as her. And, even though his experience had been different than hers, she didn't deny that the combination of his assault, what Noah had had to endure and witness and his worry about her had deeply affected her husband and scarred him in ways that they were both still learning to talk about and express.

"Hmm," Ted acknowledged again but this time the noise sounded much more unimpressed. Olivia didn't think Ted had been overly impressed with exactly how NYU had dealt with Will's trauma and recovery. He hadn't been given as much leeway and acknowledge as Olivia had received from the city and the NYPD. She supposed that was to be expected but she got the sense that Ted always expected more for his family. She wasn't sure if that was just because of who he was or if it was because he was a father and a family man.

"Popa stop rumbling," Noah mumbled against his grandfather.

Ted looked down at Noah. "I can't , Noey," he said. "It's what Popa's do. We rumble."

"Daddy doesn't," Noah said more firmly and stirred more in Ted's lap, his head turning more towards them.

"By the time your daddy is a popa he will rumble too," Ted asserted.

Noah looked up at him with some disbelief. "No he won't," he protested.

Ted just nodded. "You just wait and see."

Will snorted and looked at Olivia. "You'll love that."

"Mmm," she said. "You already grumble. I can deal with rumbling."

"Hopefully it's not from indigestion," Will deadpanned.

Olivia allowed a small laugh at that, though she didn't think Ted would've caught the joke. But Will constantly had indigestion after eating the rich and heavy foods that his parents enjoyed. If their mental, emotional and physical recovery hadn't been a challenge enough during the months they'd lived with Ted and May, they'd had to content with their insides getting used to their diets. She supposed, thankfully, none of them had been too interested in eating most of the time. And, that had prompted May to start buying items that more reflected how they actually ate at home in an effort to tempt them.

"What's so funny?" May asked as she returned and handed each of them a mug of the steaming cider.

"Your son is being sarcastic," Olivia informed her and held the cup closer to her face to take in the wonderful scent.

May made a disapproving son. "William, don't pull out that sarcasm at Christmas."

"Why's Dad not allowed to be sarcastic?" Noah asked, now sitting completely upright on Ted and looking far too big to be huddled in his grandfather's lap.

"Because sarcasm is the lowest form of humor," Ted said flatly.

"Who said I was trying to be funny?" Will put back and Olivia elbowed him lightly in the ribs and he looked at her.

But the comment that she knew was coming was already escaping May's mouth. "William, don't take that tone with your father either," she said but then turned your attention to Noah. "Noah, sweets, do you want another glass of cocoa?"

Noah shook his head but now seemed much more alert and bounced on Ted's lap a bit to the point that the man adjusted himself under the boy, clearly starting to think himself that the child was a little too big to be sitting on his knee. It might've been OK while he was sleeping but not so much while he was awake and starting to show signs of excitement.

"Now that you're awake can we open presents?" Noah asked and hopped off Ted's knee and hit the ground crawling over to the tree.

"Mommy and Daddy haven't actually slept yet, Noah," Olivia said.

He glanced over his shoulder at her in his examination of the presents. "But you're up," he said.

She snorted. "More or less."

He looked back to the presents and pulled one out from under the tree. "This one is to me," he said. "It's from Nana and Popa. Can I open it?"

"Noey," Ted said sternly, "we wait to open the grandchildren presents until all the grandchildren are here. You know that."

Noah sighed. "But when will they get here?"

"Not until after lunch," his grandfather told him.

"What time is it now?"

Will turned over his wrist to look at his watch to provide an answer but realized he hadn't put it back on after the bath. What he had put back on, though, was his new bracelet, and he fingered it gently again and gave Olivia another small smile.

"What's that?" May asked suddenly, though.

Will stuttered for a moment and then looked at her before setting his eyes back on his mother. "Ah … Olivia and I exchanged gifts already. It's … just … a bracelet." He looked back to Olivia with eyes that told her that it very much wasn't just a bracelet but he hadn't known what to say to his mother. He hadn't known how to explain it. He hadn't wanted to wade into an area that was the whole reason they hadn't exchanged the gifts in front of his parents. It was personal, private – emotional.

May gave him a questioning look, though. "And what did you give Olivia?" she asked a bit more gently.

Olivia gave Will a small smile and then turned to her mother-in-law and fingered the pendant on her neck that apparently May hadn't noticed yet. She was almost surprised that May hadn't, though. She seemed to have a sense for those sorts of things. Olivia knew that some of Will's observational tendencies definitely came from his mother. But even though her 'fearlessness' necklace had been taken from her it hadn't meant that she didn't wear her other pieces of jewelry regularly. She had other items that were just as meaningful and served as just as important reminders – many of which had also come from Will.

"Will replaced the necklace I lost," Olivia said.

May's eyes drifted to the necklace at that and she looked back up and met her eyes. Olivia could see some glassing of the recognition there. May knew what that meant – in her own way. The emotion she saw in the other woman's eyes told her that maybe she understood more than Olivia really wanted her to.

"Let me see yours too, William," May said with such a change in her voice that Olivia thought it might now be her that would cry at the sight of the jewelry.

She made her way over to her youngest son and Will let her look at the bracelet and Olivia saw his mother give him a gentle smile before she leaned forward and put a kiss on his cheek.

"Very good," she said and gave them both a gentle but slightly sad smile.

"If you guys opened presents why can't I?" Noah asked, apparently uninterested in their jewelry. Olivia thought he was being a little rude but he was still a little boy and it was Christmas. She was just glad he seemed to be embracing the day. She'd be afraid that he might not be able to make himself enjoy it.

"Sweets, it's still a little early. Why don't we sit and visit for a while and then go and take a little sleep before open presents? Nana and Popa haven't gotten to sleep yet either."

Noah huffed at her. "Can I at least open Santa's present?" he asked.

She looked at Will seeking his opinion. But he gave a barely noticeable shake of the head. They'd ended up wrapping the Lego set from Santa and they both knew as soon as Noah opened that he'd want to get to work on putting it together. Will apparently didn't want to get involved in helping with that just yet and on no sleep.

"Sweets, not yet. Com'on. Come sit with Mommy and Daddy. We'll all look at the tree for a bit."

Noah sighed but came over and plopped on the couch next to her. "It's boring without Christmas music," he said.

Ted and May had a string of lights that co-ordinated to playing Christmas music, making their living room a bit of its own personal light show. But Olivia suddenly realized that those lights hadn't been going that year – and neither had any music. She'd become so used to the lack of music in their lives anymore that it hadn't even occurred to her that it'd been missing.

Music had played such a big role in their home life before. The stereo had always been on. Silly dancing and living room dancing was a staple. It was calming and invigorating. It was something that Will was passionate about. It was something she could enjoy with him. And, it was something they could both share with Noah in varying forms. But that had been yet another thing that Lewis had taken away from them.

There was now a whole list of songs that she knew Will would never be able to listen to again. Noah had his own too but he likely didn't entirely realize it. What her little boy did realize was that he hated loud noises now and he despised loud music. The stereo in their house had become so silent that in the new apartment they hadn't even set it up yet. Her and Will had been training without music pumping in their ears. And, apparently, they'd manage to navigate Christmas without listening to any jolly tune. No one had said anything about it. Ted and May – and everyone else around them – had just assumed they didn't want the noise on and had kept it shut off. That made Olivia a little sad.

She looked at Will and he allowed a small smile and reached across and squeezed Noah's shoulder.

"You want some Christmas music on, son?" he asked.

Olivia knew by the offer that Will felt guilty too. But she also knew that he must feel comfortable enough with the quiet sounds of Christmas music that he was willing to offer Noah the opportunity to listen. It wasn't likely that the iPod playlist that Lewis had left blasting at her husband and son had had any Christmas music on it that would trigger either of them. Though Olivia still wasn't sure it was a risk she wanted to take. Thankfully, though, she didn't have to make the decision.

"No," Noah shook his head and said quietly and a little sadly. "It's OK."

She sighed. His excitement about the presents seemed to be quickly fading. She looked back at Will and was seriously considering telling him to go upstairs and get the gifts. She wanted Noah to get to open them while he was excited and happy – not while he was in a rut. She wanted to see him smiling and happy, even if it was isolated and momentary.

Ted interrupted, though. "Noey," he called across the room, "why don't you help your mom open that one?" he said and nodded at the big present that Will had earlier been referring to.

Noah lit up a bit at that and looked up at her. "You have a big present Mom," he said.

She nodded and gave him a smile. "I see that."

"Go on now, Olivia," Ted encouraged. "You and Noey get that open. So we can get it moved before anyone trips on it."

She snorted. "Oh, well, we wouldn't want anyone to trip on it," she said with near Will's sarcasm. When it was put that way the anticipation of opening it faded slightly. But Noah was already off the couch and over at it.

"It's too heavy to move, Mom," he said and looked back at her. "You have to come here to open it."

She nodded and headed over and sat on the ground and looked at the big parcel too. She really had no idea what it could be. But between the size and the weight the only thing she could come up with was something from Ted's woodshop. She didn't know what, though. She didn't even know why Ted would've had the time to do much of anything in there – or at least not something she would've seen.

"Now you let your mom help with the opening, Noey," Ted ordered. "Don't get too excited."

Noah looked at her. "Can I rip it, Mom?" he asked.

She gave him a more genuine smile. "OK. How about on three?" she asked and her son nodded vigorously. "One … two … three!" she said and they both ripped at the paper, tearing it away. But Noah was still tearing and clearing the paper well after Olivia had stopped and was looking at the large wooden structure somewhat dumbfounded.

It was a paneled hope chest made out of rosewood. The work was delicate and intricate. It was something that she'd not just admired in Ted's workshop but had helped him with. She'd done some of the sanding. He'd even instructed her on how to cut some of the pieces and let her use some of his tools. He'd shown her how to work at piecing the structure together. No nails had been used. It was a true woodworking project. It was a piece of art. But he'd told her that it was a commissioned piece and not long after in the same conversation he'd talked of a friend's granddaughter who had a sixteenth birthday coming up. Olivia had assumed the piece was for her.

"I thought this was a commissioned work?" she said quietly, turning to him with questioning eyes.

He nodded. "It was. I commissioned you to help me do it."

Olivia looked at him and felt her eyes brimming her looked down and looked back to the chest, gently running her hand over it. She thought she was going to cry but she hesitated to much to cry in front of them – especially Ted – even though she knew they could tell her was teetering, even though they'd seen her in tears before.

"It's beautiful, Ted," she said.

"I know," he said. "You did a good job."

She felt a tear slip at that and reached and wiped it away.

"Why are you crying Mom?" Noah asked and moved towards her, his arms coming around her in a hug. She rubbed at his back. "Don't you like it?"

She nodded. "I do like, sweets. I really, really like it."

She hadn't even realized that the project had become her project. She hadn't caught on that Ted was schooling her and helping her put it together. She hadn't known it was hers. Though Ted was giving it to her now, the real gift had been the time she'd spent with him in the wood shed. It wasn't even the time and his help in putting it together that had been the gift, it had been the way he'd helped her pick up the pieces in the weeks and months following her assault and abduction. The way he'd quietly gotten her to channel it into something. How he'd given her a safe place and a safe person to be with. Someone to talk to or to no talk at all with. A man other than her husband who was willing to be kind without pushing it on her and making her feel like he was wondering when she was going to break. He'd given her something to do. He'd helped give her hope.

"What is it Mom?" Noah asked. "A new toy box?"

She smiled and pressed a kiss into his hair. "It's a hope chest, sweets," she said and lifted the top and stopped again as she saw that Ted had meticulously craved a quote into the wood. 'Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow,' it said. She turned and looked at Ted again.

"A strong mind always hopes and has always cause to hope," he said quietly. She felt her eyes glass again and she lifted her hand and again swiped at her eyes. It was about the first words – advice – Ted had given her since Lewis. It resonated and she felt her body shudder a bit in a silent sob but realized Will had appeared and sat down next to her, wrapping her arms around her and Noah.

"Thank you, Ted," she said but she buried her face in the crook of Will's neck, still trying to hide the tears and the sobs that she felt shaking her while her husband's hand rubbed at the back and he gave her soothing noises.

"No need for tears, Olivia," Ted said gently from where he was still perched in his arm chair. "I didn't mean to upset you."

She shook her head from where she was, though, she didn't look up. "I'm not upset," she said.

She was just overcome with emotion. She didn't even know hot to put together what she was feeling. There were too many feelings happening all at once. It felt like a glaring reminder of all they'd been through yet some sort of small resolution too. It felt like a push towards the future and everything ahead of them while all that seemed so hard and scary too. Yet, it also seemed like a quiet reassurance from her father-in-law that it was going to be OK and they'd make it. That there was hope. That they already had hope in their lives. They had so much support. They'd made it so far. They could keep moving forward.

"What's a hope chest?" Noah asked from his buried place in the sandwiched hug.

"It's kind of like a treasure chest," Will told him. "Or a time capsule. Mommy can put all sorts of things in here. Memories for our family for us to look at and enjoy later. To keep for always."

Noah squirmed out of the embrace a bit and examined the wooden box, reaching out and touching it with his hand. "What are we going to put in it Mom?" he asked.

She finally managed to look up at that though her eyes still were teary. But she gave him a small smile, her hand came to settle a top of his. "Lots, sweets," she said. "We've got so much to hope for. Our family has big plans for the future."

_**That's it, folks. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and commenting.**_


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